Silence- whilst something I’ve always been comfortable with when alone- isn’t something that comes so readily when I find myself around folks I really like. I love to communicate. Heck, even when I’m alone I talk to myself. But, I’ve been craving it recently.
I went on a mini adventure last weekend, escaping the city. I needed to walk in the forest, hug trees, smell clean air, and roll around in the dirt. My gracious host for the weekend was the beautiful, wonderful ElkFeather.
When I’m around ElkFeather, I can’t help but feel that I’m in the presence of a great being, a wise teacher. He’s got this magic stillness and grace about him. Its rare to encounter someone who is quite so comfortable and at home being ‘introverted’ and in silence and stillness, so at ease in expressing their innate and intuitive wisdom.
Our first connection six months ago was an unexpected one, a night of cascading orgasms and unbridled sensuality opening the doors to a heart-bond that is filled with love and admiration.
I’ll admit that, going to see him, sex was definitely on my mind. I haven’t had sex with a man since early December, and my body is certainly longing for that. I knew full well though that I shouldn’t hold that expectation there, as it might simply not be where he was at. His previous long term open relationship ended a few months ago, and he recently moved into his own place, living alone, exploring the process of being in a primary relationship with himself. I see in him the blossoming joy of someone who is growing in a loving and awesome relationship with themselves.
I also like to remind myself that when it comes to mind-blowing sex, there’s this sense that there is never going to be any exact repeat performances. Sometimes things just are what they are- beautiful spectacular memories that cannot be forced into a re-creation of events past. In the spirit of living in the moment, I would rather savour and cherish the sweetness of the experience shared and all that it has taught me, allowing the connection to evolve as feels right for everyone involved.
There’s more ways to connect than Sex.
We talked about what that first night together had meant to us, what we bring one another, and the ways in which we hesitate and hold back from each other now. I felt humbled to hear that I have had a positive impact on ElkFeather, and felt rightly called out on how busy I am in my dating life. I expressed to him that the most important thing to me was to honor the dynamic of the connection between us, wherever it might be, from moment to moment.
We held each other naked beneath the bedsheets, and I fell asleep in his embrace.
My time with ElkFeather was blissful. We made food, watched Time Bandits, cuddled, did tarot card readings, enjoyed a misty magical mushroom hike in the forest, traded massages, and gazed into one another’s smiling, mischievous eyes a lot. There was no sense of needing to talk a lot, to fill the silence with words. In fact, we often seemed to have the same thought at the same time- whether about food, or the dogs we met on our walk who looked like their owners, or even just the simultaneous thought to grab a bottle of wine for dinner.
It was a spectacular weekend. Not the kind of fireworks and rainbows and trumpeted fanfare spectacular you might expect to share with a friend or lover. It was spectacular because of what I learned about myself as a result of being around him, by beng brought into an experience of stillness through witnessing and sharing space with his own stillness.
I’ve had a lot of dreams lately related to my childhood; specifically, the anxiety, frustration, and agitation that characterized the undercurrent of my formative years. This weekend I discovered what it could be like to experience myself without all of that. What it feels like to just be in zen tranquility.
As much as I love unconditionally, as generous as I endeavour to be with my heart, actions and words, I don’t think any of it will ever be sufficient in expressing my gratitude for the gift this weekend was.
ElkFeather, I cherish the fact that I know you, and I love you from the deep wellspring of love in my heart. Thank-you for being present with me within your authentic relationship with yourself. Thank-you for all that you give, and all that you share so freely. Most of all, thank-you for being you.
I hope one day I can figure out a way to reciprocate the gift of you in my life, and can give back to you as much as you have given me.