After my last postA reader left a comment expressing concern about what I had writtenThat I seemed to be boasting about my weight loss After reading this commentI went back and re-read my postAnd having done thisPromptly deleted itThat post was written by someone who was high on weight lossI was revelling in itAnd though I don't think I was boasting about losing weightThis post was definitely not healthyAnd not written by someone who claims to be in recoveryApologies for thatAnd thank you to the reader that had the courage to tell me the honest truth
Yea it's true that I have lost weightBut it's nothing to worry aboutAt least I think it's notI'm still at a healthy weightI still consider myself to be in recoveryI don't want to promote weight lossOr eating disordersAnd I think I was coming worrying close to that on my last post
Recovery is hardIt's more about progress than perfection as they say in the roomsAnd I am most definitely not doing it perfectlySometimes I feel the lure of my EDSometimes it seems like the only optionI've had a family situation here over the weekendSomething that I won't go in to hereI will say that it upset me a lotAnd I turned to the coping mechanism that I've used for 14 yearsMy EDAt the time it seems to helpMaybe in the short termBut in the long term it creates more problems than it solves
It's up to me to put the brakes on nowTo maintain my weightAnd maintain my recoveryI am in charge of my own destinyI am the maker of my own dreamsI don't want to relapseI don't want to be underweightI just wanted to be happy in my own skinI thought I would be at this weight And I am Kind ofSome of the time I guess it's part of the illness that we struggle greatly with body imageAnd that doesn't go away over night
I guess this is all part of the path of recoverySometimes we vere off courseSometimes we get distractedOr lured back in by our disorderWe think we want to go back to that lifeBecause life was simple thenOnly one thing matteredThe illnessAnd losing weightRecovery is an altogether different beastThere are challenges every single dayIt's not an easy choiceRecovery can be trickyIt can be head wreckingDullMonotonous BoringAnxiety provoking TerrifyingBut I would still choose it over my disorder any day of the week
AgainApologiesCall it a momentary lapse in judgmentCall it being drunk on weight loss But that is not meAny one who knows me knows thatI'm not giving upI'm not giving inNot by a long shot