Wednesday has been on my mind a lot this weekAs in the day I brought my nephew horse riding He is great He is very independent And very much amused himself So I went and had a cuppa with Eilis who owns the place And another French girlThe three of us were sitting up in the spectating areaWatching the kids ride Eilis and Lara were talking ten to the dozen And having a great laughI however Felt like a spare wheelLike I was crippled with self consciousness And couldn't contribute to the conversation at allI'm just really not good at that kind of thing And I withdraw very quickly if I feel at all uncomfortable I was struck how these two girls were so comfortable just to be themselves Granted They are older than meAnd probably haven't had to deal with an opiate addiction or an EDMaybe their lives have been a bit more straight forward than mine I'm sure they have had struggles in their lives Everyone has But from their personalities And their confidence I can tell they have lived a successful lifeI was just dying to get to help with the horses But they had so many helpers That Oisin and I were hardly needed at all But We helped where we could leading the horses Helping with lunch for the kids Tried to calm them down when they were bouncing off the wallsAnd drying their tears when they inevitably knocked a head or an arm or a foot Or a willy in one little boys case!
I just felt so awkward and out of place Like I didn't fit in And was paralysed with fear and anxiety I hate being like thatI hate feeling uncomfortable And in turn making others feel uncomfortable I remember I was at a meeting onceThis girl was speaking And she was saying how through working the programme She could walk in to a room full of people anywhere in the worldAnd feel comfortable to be herself I find that I mirror people back to themselvesIf you are quiet I'll be quiet tooAnd if you are more outgoing I will try to be tooI guess I just haven't found my own little way yet I'm still learning who I am What I'm about What my opinions and views areWhat makes me tickWhat I am passionate about What angers meMy likes and dislikes This is all new to me I am new to meBut that's ok I am going through growing pains Albeit a little later than most people But I will get there Eventually I just really want to build up my confidence and self esteemAnd feel ok to be meAs I have often said I've had to fight tooth and nail to get to the point where most people start offIt's not easy Staying clean and sober Managing an EDIt's an effort every single dayBut it does get easier It definitely does And I am in it for the long haulOh yesMy ass is committed to this I guess we don't always see progress on ourselves I see it in others I see them grow in to beautiful young men and women But we don't see it in ourselves I definitely don't see it in myself I just have to trust that it is happening Whether I notice it or not
I found another course that I am interested It's running in the local women's centre Communications and IT It's a year long And starts next monthTwo afternoons a week Which is perfect for me As I could fit in all my other things around that I rang yesterday And out my name down Now I have a decision I need to make Go ahead with the jobOr concentrate on learning and furthering my education It's hard to know which one to choose As both would be great for meI guess it's time to do a good ol' fashioned pros and cons listAnd see which one comes out on topBut you know what?It's great to be in a position where I can choose It wasn't so long ago that I had no options at allSo that my friends, is progress I have a little time to sort this outI will chat with my familyAnd try to figure this outSuggestions and thoughts are welcomeI need all the help I can get....