This is the start of a new series of personal posts on a journey I’m calling The Self-Love Project. I’m going to be writing sporadically personal posts of this crazy and hectic time of my life because I know, one day I’m going to read back at this and laugh.
This project started with a friend breaking into my house and helping himself to one of my fifty shades of pink lipstick and writing this on my bathroom mirror…
Ordinarily I would be pissed that one of my friends entered my house without my permission, but it was the effort he went to leave me a message as a surprise was something that was far more wonderful than the act of breaking in.
I can’t even begin to tell you how nice it was seeing those words on my mirror – a place where I spend a lot of time looking at myself and ultimately self-loathing. There have been countless times I’ve cried on the phone to my best friend Zoe or thrown a tantrum (semi-literal) asking myself – WHY AM I NOT ENOUGH?
I’ve always been the person who blames themselves first when something doesn’t go according to plan. I think to myself, Was it something I said? Did I not invest enough in this than I should have? What did I do to make them not like me?
Now is the perfect time for me to finally say – FUCK THAT! I am not spending another second self-loathing. I am not going to feel sorry for myself because someone doesn’t like me or doesn’t find me attractive or the fact that everyone is married and having babies at my age. I don’t want to live like that anymore. I am not a victim of my own life and as my father once said to me many years ago…
“You have a say on what happens in your life.”
Never had I thought that I was allowed to be selfish because it’s not the person I am nor was I raised to be. But by self-loathing and self-blaming doesn’t make me feel better and it definitely doesn’t make the situation change. It just gives away my self power and it will take a monumental amount of time to recharge.
Which now brings me to the next topic of this project. When I was around 22 or 23 years-old, I met a woman Rachelle at a bar. Instantly we clicked. We had one mutual friend and right from the moment I started talking to her I knew we’d be amazing friends.
Rachelle (when she was blonde) and I, circa 2006
always
There was one occasion when I had called her in the morning crying, upset about something. Although I can’t remember what it was exactly that had upset me but I do recall my heart just aching. She asked me if I was OK. I lied. I said I was fine but she knew deep down I wasn’t.
The next thing I remember – 15 minutes after our phone conversation – Rachelle had come through my bedroom door, dropped her handbag on the floor and just HUGGED me. She didn’t say a word, just swept me up and hugged me so tight that I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
I will never forget that moment. A friend I had only known a couple of years had done such a selfless thing. I have friends since childhood who wouldn’t do that for me, but it’s always good to know who your true friends are. The best kind of friends effortlessly make you feel comfortable and put you first. They get pleasure out of knowing you’re happy and never ever expect anything in return. Even if you have just ONE of them, your life will be all the richer for having them.
Rachelle has also thrown in some amazing advice over the years too and finally enough, all in protest of my self-loathing…
“Don’t ever give someone permission to tell you you mean nothing.” “Never give a guy the idea that you’re not a great catch.”
“Don’t put the idea in a guy’s head that you’re less than what you’re worth.”
I have to constantly keep reminding myself of these things because it’s always easier to dwell on the negative than receive the positive.
Rachelle is about seven years older than me, so she’s been through some of the things I’m currently going through. I remember in the early years of our friendship she had going through an extremely rough patch that I just couldn’t help her with, not matter how hard I tried. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to, I just didn’t have any knowledge about it.
The best thing I could do for her was listen to her and be that pillar of strength when she needed it.
What she was going through what some call Saturn’s Return. It happens every 28-30 years; the length of time it takes the planet to orbit the Sun once. It prepares you for “adulthood” and taking everything you’ve learned and applying it to the next chapter of your life.
Some people might think it’s bullshit but after seeing one of my closest friends go through it and feeling absolutely helpless to make her feel better and now reaching that phase myself, I’d like to think it’s not all inside our heads.
So… the inquisitive person that I am, I hit Google. And I hit it really hard. I look up all sort of articles, for and against and came across a few interesting posts, one from Body+Soul and another from the Sydney Morning Herald.
According to the Saturn Return calculator my return is going to last a whole NINE MONTHS! Some people I know only have a two month return, which I think is bullshit in itself but I realize that some people (aka. me) need more time.
Lucky for me through, the worst of it is over because I am putting an end to this TODAY! My Saturn Return started in February this year and will end in October, which is merely four and a half months away. I CAN DO THIS!
I am an extremely persistent person. I will not go down without a fight. I remember Topher telling me on so many occasions, “Why be so persistent? You can’t always get what you want.” But as my beautiful friend of Dempeaux.com tweeted me…
Let me just start off by saying… Saturn’s Return sounds like fun – new beginnings, tying up loose ends, “Spring cleaning”, etc. But when in actual fact it really sucks. It is a chronic headache that no paracetamol can fix and the most complicated and conflicting emotions you will ever have to endure to also deal with. You think you’ve felt pain…? Nothing is compared to this!
I am in the stage where I am questioning everything I do and I’m at constant battle with the person I am. Friends and family would say there’s nothing wrong with me – I’m fine the way I am. But when you see your peers have their shit together, you’re both the same age but yet you’re totally different chapters in your lives, it can really brew some awful and resenting feelings.
Depression is something that isn’t new to me. I had a very serious case of it when I was about 19-20 years-old which required medication and since then I’ve had moments where I was able to combat it myself.
When I start feeling like I’m sinking, I immediately try and help myself and remove myself from it. Yes, it might seem like I’m sweeping it under the rug but I’ve realised… Yes, I could lay in bed under the covers and cry til I fall asleep – none of which will make me feel better but ultimately make me feel worse. OR, I can get up, get out and do something I enjoy.
One of my favorite things to do when I’m feeling upset is to jump on a bus, head to The Rocks Markets which is held every weekend, get a large cup of old school lemonade (in the Winter it’s hot lemon and honey) and sit under the Sydney Harbour Bridge and people watch. Although it’s not quiet because you have the traffic over the top of you, people talking and seeing the boats in the harbor come in and out – it’s peaceful. Comforting, even. All of which costs about $15 – transport there and back and $5 for the lemonade.
So, what am I going to for the next four or so months…? Be completely and utterly selfish. I’m going to start loving myself more, because when you love yourself you will be able to receive love. I’m going to read more uplifting books (recommendations welcome) and spend more time with my friends.
I’m pretty much going to pretend that everyday is my birthday – things will go my way, the way I want it to and I will finally get a say what’s happening in my life, not what I’m expected to do.
I’m also going to keep a handwritten journal and document feelings and things that’s happened. Also, when I feel it’s appropriate, report about my progress and share things along the way.
I will be participating in a Self Love Bootcamp and renergise myself.
I’m going to exercise more and eat healthier.
Wait it out. Because it’ll be easy to wish these next few months away but then I wouldn’t be learning anything. This period of my life is fleeting and none of these feelings will last forever – or at least for another thirty years.
So, here’s to the next few months. They will be hard and they will be emotional and I will feel like giving up, but it’ll be the absolute making of me. Literally. They say the first Saturn Return is the hardest. I sure hope so because this is fucking exhausting already and I’ve still got four months to go!
Please let me know of any book recommendations, cheap trills that instantly make YOU feel better, advice, feedback and thoughts on this.
Thank you all!