Ever since I found out that I have a jobI've been feeling very strangeIt's not a feeling I can easily explainAnd can't even put a word on itWhen I got the news I was home alone I had no one to talk toSo I had to try and process the information myself Without bouncing it off someone elseThe only way I can describe this feelingWas like it was all too good to be true Like I was waiting for the catchI'm not entirely used to things going my waySo this happy news was as much of a shock as if I hadn't got the jobI almost felt like I wanted to sabotage the jobSo I wouldn't have to tryAnd have the possibility of failureI doubt myself so muchAnd yesterday I questioned my ability to do a job wellI questioned whether they had made a mistake hiring meIn fairness They must think I can do the job since the did give me the positionAnd my mom and sister and dad assure me that I am well able for this type of work But I feelWellI don't know I know I'm not explaining myself very well hereI am just trying to make sense of this situationI know I should probably be celebratingBut I can't seem to shake this funny feeling And last night was a marathon binge/purge session trying to escape from it
I woke up this morning Another pound lostMy BMI now 17I felt nothing Nothing but the feeling that I was throwing my life awayAnd for what?I now have to roll my trousers at the waist so they fit And my mother is expressing sincere worry and concern about meShe said that I am out of control That evenings are my worst timeShe is not wrong In the evening I could purge up to six timesIt has to stop
I saw Mary this afternoonMy Mum and I went in to the village early And brought the dogs for a walk in the woods Then headed down to the health centre Mam was going to wait in the car for me and read her bookI made my way up to Mary's officeAnd took a seat I mentioned that Mum was with meAnd Mary asked if I'd like to include her in the sessionI agreed And ran down and told MumWho would wait in the waiting room while mart and I had a chat I told Mary about the jobAnd she was delighted for meShe also told me that she had some information on the horse center I was planning on going toMary had spoken to the girls thereAnd it's actually horse therapyThat is about an hour from my houseSo I took their numberExcited at the prospect of starting
I tried to explain the feelings I was having to Mary She said it sounded like anxietyBut in a different form than I am used to And I guess that makes senseI am anxious to join the working worldI'm anxious that I won't live up to expectations of the other staffMary also talked about self fulfilling prophecy And how we as humans can sabotage something that could be amazingBecause we are afraid At least I have recognised it though And can work on it Mary then weighed meI lost 1.5kg from last week Mary then asked me to call my Mum upWhich I did They exchanged pleasantries They have met before Many times The session was tough But it was necessary We decided that as a family We would make a meal plan Sit at the table for all meals togetherMary also stressed the importance of my support groups So my other piece of home work is to go to a meeting before I see Mary againThat is going to be a challenge But one I really want to do We finished up And Mum and I headed home
Over cups of tea at homeMy sister and I did put a meal plan for the week So we will go shopping for said meals tomorrow The hard thing is going to be not purging But I have to do it I just have to grit my teethSit with the feelingAnd just do it Hopefully eating enough during the day Will help ease the bingeing in the evening In fact I know it willMary said something surprising to me yesterday She said that if I maintained my weight where it is now Then that would be fine I would have thought the ideal thing would be to gain a few kilos But maybe she means just for now
I couldn't resist ringing the horse people when I got home I got through to a girl called A I told her who I was And how I had come across her numberShe asked me a bit about myself I wasn't planning on telling her about my ED so soon But it just sort of came outShe explained what they do at the centreIt usually costs about €50 for a general horse riding lesson But this only costs €15So happy days!We arranged an appointment for next Wednesday at 1pmYou guys?I am super duper excited and over the moon to do this!And it gives me plenty of time to get in to a good frame of mind before I start workThings are finally falling in to place for meAnd I can't wait to see what the future holds Horse therapy A job I love These are things that I dreamed about in my darkest daysAnd now they are happening!They are actually happening!I feel excitement bubbling inside meI've spent my life looking for somewhere to fit inSomewhere where I belong This could be it This could be what I'm looking for I thought I had found it in drugs and EDBut that never worked outNow I just need to put the brakes on where my ED and weight loss are concerned I can't afford to lose any more weight And the threat of pancreatitis is always there If I want to be healthy and strong and ableI need to feed and nourish my body I need to allow myself good foodAnd enough good food I need to allow myself to keep it down And not feel guilty for itIn shortThere is much to look forward toLife starts nowHang on to your hats peopleIt's going to be a crazy ride....