It's been five monthssince I learned of the betrayal.
I have recently been doing so well I had intended not to even write this month.I had begun to wonder if by doing soI was putting too much attentionon an old wound.
Then one night I had horrible dreams all night longonly to realize
the next dayit was the actual five month anniversary of finding out.
The sixth of every month now
has a skewed meaning
where I reflect on where I am in the healing process
Hoping every month
to be just done with it all.
Like I can graduate the program
as quickly as possible.
To just have it as an incidence in my past.
But I am realizing
there is no rushing healing of this sort.
My sub conscience had been keeping countwhile I was trying to busily forget.The dreams unleashed a terror of old feelingsthat I thought I had dealt with already.It felt like Pandora's Box had come undone once again.
It all also feels a bit more complicated these daysin that I have pretty much gotten to a point of forgiveness of my husband.He doesn't even seem the same person to mebut rather a new, more loving version of himself.
Which actually makes me feel bad now when I have to bring up my dreamsand subsequent fears.
I am trying to find the balance of respecting my feelings and healingand respecting his.
I definitely look forward to having this whole situation behind us.If it actually works that way.
I do know it will probably always
have a place in my soul.
And maybe that can be a good thing
as a reminder
not to fall asleep at the wheel again.
To remember
marriage takes
much time and care
even after
and
maybe even especially
after 30 years.
I am gratefulwe are still continuing marriage therapy.Because as many Silver Linings in Betrayal that I have foundthere is still much work to be donefor a solid and lasting healing
with a new solid foundation.
I have chosen to continue to write about this painful situation
as a reminder to myself
but
even more importantly
to help anyone else on this path
to healing.
Because when I first found out
my only question to my doctor was
How does anyone survive betrayal.
I was so scared and brokenhearted
I just want to offer others
a light.
That whether you decide
to stay or leave
there is a path to healing.
And I truly believe
if you are willing to do the work
and
be open to the lessons ...
Not only is healing possibe
but you can come out the other side
stronger
and
more loving.
As always my friends
I wish you love and joy
as you style your life
I have written about our situation in the posts below
Surviving Marital Betrayal
Picking Up the Pieces After Marital Betrayal
Marriage Betrayal and Silver Linings