It seems that yesterday's post provoked quite a responseSome people really don't agree with methadone And see it as a 'free heroin'And as just another addictionOthers seem optimistic that it works of dispensed correctlyIt's the same here on this countryThere are thousands of people on methadone And it always causes fierce debateI think it's really a case by case situationLike most thingsMethadone will suit some peopleBut not othersIt depends on how each case is handled individually
Some people genuinely want to get cleanOff everythingAnd use methadone as a stepping stone to get thereThis is probably a healthy way of looking at itMethadone will provide stability and structure to the addicts lifeThey will no longer need to turn to crime to fund their habitThey will have the structure of weekly doctor visits And possibly daily pharmacy visits
When I first started methadone I had to go to Dubln once a month to see the head doctor over methadone in IrelandI also had to see my own doctor every other weekI started off on 70mlsAnd worked my way down over the yearsI am now on methadone over ten yearsI am pretty sure that a patient is not meant to stay on it indefinitelyBut againI guess it goes by a case by case basisI have not had ten straight years cleanI have slipped every so often It's part and parcel of addiction and recovery I know at one point I was down to 18mlsAnd it looked like I would be off it completely within a yearNow I am back up to 36 mlsAnd it looks like I will be on it a lot longer
The thing with methadoneIs that there is always the temptation to abuse itTo use on top of itTo sell itNot to take it properlyI know sometimes patients pretend they need a lot more than they actually doAnd sell some of itPeople fix their urinesSo they give clean urines when in actual fact they are using The are lots of ways to fiddle the system And people doI know I did
I do agree that methadone is just as addictive as heroinIf not more soAnd is a total nightmare to come offAnd withdrawal I've ever had was a lot harder coming off methadone They say it gets in to your bones Some may say that addiction is addiction It doesn't mater if it's cocaine or cornflakesIt's not about the substance It's about how it effects your lifeAnd as you all knowI've struggled with my medsAlmost as much as I struggled with illicit drugsAnd I really need to get some stability back in my lifeSo I can functionSo I can do my courseSo I can learn to live in realitySo I won't worry my familySo I will grow in my recovery
I can't lieI am super super nervous and anxious to come off my methadone It wouldn't bother me if I never came off itIt's sad to say But it's the truthThe thought of living in stone cold reality scares the be-Jesus out of meI really don't know if I can do itIf I can live with out some sort of drugBut the thing isI know I will never have the things that I want If I let myself stay addictedI won't recoverI won't feelI won't engageI won't truly be presentI won't be living in realityI'll be living in my own fuzzy, cloudy, methadone coloured worldDo I really want that?I know when I came out of the doctors yesterday I thought I would feel good that he increased my methadoneBut in reality I felt nothingI feel nothingThere's nothing to feelIt's hidden beneath layers of meds and methadone Do I want to live this way?I'm not entirely sure
AnywayOn to other mattersYou know I've been writing about not weighing for a whole yearWell it seems that the universe took matters in to its own hands And since Saturday My scale has been broken Dead DoneDeparted FiniteI took this as a sign that I should go ahead with my ideaSo since Sunday the 21st JuneThere will be no weighingNot until 21st June 2016When I will reasses the situationAlready I feel a sense of freedomNot knowing the number is liberating And not having the anxiety of weighing is a joySo I think it's a good idea all around
So it's all go again this weekBack to meetingsBack to Breda next weekMary Seeing friends Back on the wagonBack on trackBaby steps all the way....