My weight was really getting me down
I didn't really let on to my family how much it was effecting me
But it really was
I just wanted to crawl in to my bed
And not get up until I had lost half my body weight
I got up every morning
Trying to find something to wear that I felt comfortable in
Feeling my clothes get tighter and tighter was driving me beserk
I felt like I was a raging anorectic
In the body of an obese person
I felt like screaming my head off
And because I was feeling so shit
I wanted to escape
So I did what I do best and over used my meds
I even thought about overdosing
That's how messed up my thinking had become
I just wanted out
Off this earth
And out of this body
Then this morning I got two lovely emails
With such kind words
Such caring and loving wishes
And something shifted in me
I suddenly realized that people are not worried about the size of my body
They only care about the size of my heart
They don't mind about how much I weigh
They are just happy that I am here
Happy and healthy
I suddenly realized that my whole family must be so relieved that I finally seem to be getting well
Nobody is looking at me and judging me
I am the only one who is doing that
I need to give myself a break
I am in the process of recovery
And this is all very normal
I just need to be gentle with myself
Look after myself
I am in a vulnerable place
It's a crucial time for me
It's either keep moving forward or
Or lie down and hold up my white flag
And I'm not prepared to give in
It's not my style
I am struggling still
There is no point in denying that
But I am still moving forward
Still fighting
Still hoping and wishing for a better life
I believe it is possible
I believe that I can overcome all these hurdles
And conquer my demons
That's all I can do
In an effort to feel a bit better about myself
I went to my favorite surf shop today
And tried on some chinos
I bought these maroon ones
I am pretty pleased with them
Said maroon trousers
Thank you as always, for all your messages, comments and emailsThey mean more to me than you will ever know
From a tired, confused, but hopeful Ruby x