So sorry to have gone AWOL again
My internet is down and it looks like it won't be fixed for another few days
It's driving me nuts
I've missed you all so much
I'm writing this from the library so I'll try and catch up as much as I can
I'm seeing Mary twice a week now
I had been weighing myself at home
My weight continues to drop
I continue not to give a shit
I doubted my own scale and it wasn't until Mary weighed me this morning that I finally believed the number
I've lost 8 pounds in the last 2-3 weeks
It both terrifies and thrills me
Mary said that if my weight continues to drop that she won't be able to see me any more
I'm not exactly sure why my weight is dropping
I haven't changed my diet drastically
Although I do know that a symptom of pancreatitis is weight loss so that could be it
I'm not deliberately trying to lose weight
And you know what?
I still feel huge
But isn't that always the way
I remember last year I cried every time I gained
It was so traumatic to see the number go up
And now it's dropping and I feel nothing
Just nothing
If Mary stopped seeing me it would be a disaster
My only option then would be inpatient and I'm trying my best to avoid that
I'm not functioning these days
I'm just about keeping it together
The future scares me
I never made plans for the future because I didn't think there would be one
I had a feeling that I would die young
Live fast, die young and all that
And I was ok with that
I really was
Words aren't coming easily right now
I can't tell you what I'm feeling because I feel nothing
Nothing matters
Nothing means anything
The days come and go
The weeks go by
Months pass
And nothing
Just nothing
I'm one big contradiction at the moment
I'm ok but I'm not ok
I'm bored yet I don't want to do anything
I'm full of energy yet I'm too tired to move
I feel in control yet I'm completely out of control
I'm here but I'm not here
My body is here but my mind is in another place
Somewhere far away
The two are completely disconnected
I can't remember what it feels like to smile unforced
To laugh
Really laugh
I feel like I'm outside of my own body
Looking down on myself
There's a voice in the back of my mind
I can barely hear it but it is there
It's telling me to stop this madness
To get out before it's too late
But maybe it is too late
Maybe this is it
I feel insanity creeping in
Like a dark shadow over my mind
I fear for my sanity
I worry I am going mad
Or maybe I already have
I am still here though
Despite everything I am still here
I would like to think that there is a reason for that
If there is a reason I wish it would make itself clear
I'm tired of trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing
Where I'm supposed to be going
I hope all of you are doing ok
You are all in my thoughts
If you need to contact me please do as I can answer emails on my phone
Love Ruby x