It was a long and difficult session
She weighed me
I really didn't want to do it
I didn't look
But she did tell me my BMI
Another new number
Another reason to run back in to the arms of my ED
We had written out a detailed meal plan last week
She asked me how I had got on with it
The truth was that I barely looked at it
My food has been all over the place
No regular meals
No eating at the table
Lots of purging
My sleep has also descended in to chaos
I haven't been going to bed
And just getting a couple of hours sleep on the couch
I really don't understand why I am doing this
It's crazy behavior really
And it's just like me
When one area of my life begins to get sorted
I quickly find another behavior to replace it
Mary suggested some reasons why things may be a bit chaotic
Maybe because my sister is home and everything is changing
Maybe I am anxious because of that
I began to get mildly annoyed when she suggested this
Because I know it's not that
As she talked
I suddenly had an urge to run out of the room
I wouldn't make eye contact
And stared at the scales
Giving it the evil eye
I didn't want to be there
I didn't want to deal with this
I wanted out
Then Mary suggested that we do another meal plan
I just flat refused
I said that there was no point
Because I wouldn't stick to it
Which is the truth
I'll go through the motions with Mary
But the meal plan will never see the light of day
And will live in the bottom of my bag
Until months later when I find it and promptly throw it in the bin
I swear
I can't even tell if I am in recovery or not
I had been doing well
But things seem to be unravelling
The purging is slowly but surely increasing
I haven't been to a meeting in weeks
I'm pulling away from my friends
These should all be red flags
But I manage to convince myself that everything is ok
As long as my weight isn't low
Then everything is ok
I should be ok
I should be in recovery
How often have I fallen in to the trap of thinking that because my weight is ok
Then I should be ok
I look healthy
So I should be healthy
This is exactly the kind of thinking that drives me nuts
I know better than anyone that just because someone isn't underweight
Doesn't mean that they aren't struggling with food
EDs come in all shaped and sizes
And only a very small percentage of people are of a critically low weight
I know this
Yet when it's happening to me
It's harder to believe
Or maybe I've been trying to convince myself that I am in recovery
Maybe I'm not at all?
I just don't know any more
I know that everything doesn't fall in to place at once
I know that I've had my ED for 14 years
And that's not going to right itself in a few short months
I know that my body is still recovering
And could take many more months to recover fully
I know that my mind is far behind my body
And could take years to recover
If it recovers at all
But if this is recovery
Then it's very similar to having as eating disorder
So that make me think that I am not in recovery at all
God when did it all get so complicated
I think that I complicate things
And I've been avoiding telling you that I shoplifted again
Why?
I have no idea
And I have no feeling about it
I just feel, well....
Numb
Disconnected
Not quite here
The thing about having an ED
Or being addicted to drink or drugs
Is that it's a rollercoaster
Extreme highs
Crippling lows
Ups
Downs
Constant drama
Especially with addiction
You can almost get addicted to the drama
Then you try recovery
And it's so different
Instead of the drama
The highs and lows
Everything is on one level
Everything is calm
You could almost say that it's boring
Monotonous
And that takes some getting used to
The quietness
The stillness
The nothingness
I guess I feel like I am in limbo right now
Neither here nor there
Not quite in recovery
But not quite in my addiction/ED either
I have one foot in each
And it's a horrible place to be
I don't know quite where to go from here
If I had more courage
I would throw myself in to recovery
But I don't
So I won't
I remember hearing a statistic once
About recover
One third of people make a complete recovery
One third of people don't recover
And one third of people are somewhere in between
I don't want to be in between
I don't want that
I guess I need to figure out what I do want
Because I really don't know
There are so many 'I don't knows' at the moment
Sometimes I can't work out if I am in good form
Or I am pretending to be in good form
I met a friend from treatment the other day
I was nervous to meet her as I hadn't seen her in a few weeks
I knew she would notice my weight gain
She was honest
She acknowledged that I had put on weight
But just a little
She said it was the best she had ever seen me
That's hard to hear
I have a lot to be grateful for
Maybe I am dwelling too much on the negative
But I have to be honest about where my head is at
I have to be real about where things are at
I'm not looking for perfection
I know that doesn't exist
But I need to make a decision one way or the other
ED or recovery
Surrender or fight
Live or die..........