Saturn’s Return. Some people may think that what I’m about to write is an old wives tale and believe me, when this actually started happening to me, I dismissed as nonsense. But I woke up one morning and started to question who I was, my existence, purpose in life and self-worth.
It was such a complicated emotion and even though I knew how I was feeling was irrational, it was also very real too.
I became a womn obsessed, reading articles, books and watching many videos on this life event and trying to make sense of it. But one thing I learned whilst researching Saturn’s Return was simply this: DO NOT FIGHT IT.
It’s happening for a reason – it’s testing you. It’s meant to make you feel emotional and question every single last aspect of your life, because it’s ultimately shaping the next thirty years for you.
So, what is Saturn’s Return exactly?
It’s the completed cycle of Saturn’s orbit around the Sun. It takes 29 and a half years, and depending where you were born in the calendar year, is when your “return” commences; usually when you’re around 28 and a half years-old.
I was born in September and mine started in February 2013 and finished in October and I can’t even begin to tell you how horrendous my Saturn Return was for me. It was easily the worst nine months of my life! The whirlwind of emotions; the constant drama behind every thought, decision and aspect of my life; the brutal punishment I’d put myself through for just being myself… all of that, was something I’m glad to put behind me.
At first, I tried to remain the person I was. I loved my job, I had beautiful friends, a wonderful family and a man that I just loved with every cell in my body. Life was wonderful. But Saturn decided that ‘wonderful’ wasn’t good enough – life had to be perfect.
With each week that past, my life as I knew it started to crumble. I’d fight with friends, the love of my life was slipping away and in general, little everyday things was like facing a mountain.
The worst month for me was July. I felt like I had hit rock bottom and no matter how hard I tried to fight it, I felt like I was being pinned down on the ground even harder. (Remember the first rule of Saturn’s Return: DON’T FIGHT IT. Because Saturn will push back twice as hard. Rookie mistake.) One of my best friends had once told me that he admired how I had the strength to go on, even with my back up against a wall. But I just didn’t have the power to keep going. It had gotten to a point where I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. Who was this person staring back at me in the mirror? I couldn’t answer all these questions that bombared my life so fiercely. So, I just gave up.
I retreated to my house and stayed there for an entire week. Asleep.
Only when I had woken up I realised how much I had missed outside the confinement of my home. A royal prince was born and he was already a week old. A friend announced she was pregnant with her fourth child and another tied the knot. I had over a hundred missed calls from family members, my best friend and workmates, and twice as many unanswered texts. So much as had happened in the week I had laid dormant, but it was time and space I definitely needed. I needed to shut off, take a step back and stop fighting.
When I went back to work and slowly got back in to the routine of everyday life, I had time to rediscover myself. It was like being born all over again, seeing colours for the first time, smells, touch, feelings, everything. Week by week I started feeling more comfortable with the person I was. I was happier, brighter and more focused. I accepted that I wasn’t perfect, that I was forever going to be quirky; which wasn’t a bad thing, but more the appeal of me.
By the time my birthday came around, although still slightly fragile, I was a lot better than what I was six weeks before and ever since my birthday, everything has gotten a lot brighter.
Everyday I wake up happy. I’ve stopped punishing myself for minor mistakes and accepted myself as a person. I think only when I had finally made peace with my past, I’ve been a lot happier. I couldn’t change what had happened six months ago, a year ago, two years ago or five years ago. I shouldn’t be punishing myself for something I couldn’t change. I shouldn’t think that I didn’t deserve happiness because my emotionally impotent ex-boyfriend didn’t love me. It just showed what a heartless piece of shit he is – and THAT wasn’t my fault, nor was it my problem.
Even with the guy I was seeing after my ex; he would tell me that I wasn’t the girl of his dreams and that he couldn’t date me because we didn’t have many things in common, “I mean, you don’t even watch the cricket Reese.” Yep, not watching the cricket was THE deal breaker.
But once I had banished all those negative thoughts, stopped talking myself down, stopped putting up with bullshit I didn’t deserve, I felt like I was in my own power again. I began to finally love myself a lot more, became that fearless woman I once was.
Although I can see that there are things I could still change in my life now, it doesn’t make me less of a woman, human being and doesn’t mean I’m worth less.
Gone are the days when I doubted my self-worth, what I can offer another person, what I can build in terms of a home, relationship and a family. I know I can do all of those things, plus a whole lot more!
My Saturn’s Return is – happy to say – over. I woke up one morning and it was just over; it had ended just as quickly as it started. It literally felt like it had been raining non-stop for nine months, and then one day, the sun came out.
Although it was difficult, all I can do now is be thankful for it. I can’t be bitter for it happening. How could I? I feel humble for the experience and I’m seeing the world for the first time with brand new eyes and an enlightened attitude.
I consider myself extremely blessed. I now have a beautiful man in my life (easily THE best), the same wonderful family and friends and a job that I still enjoy everyday. I also have this blog that I still have a passion for, my health and money in the bank.
But having said that, I’ve still got a long journey ahead of me. But I know, in time, I will get where I need be. All I know is that I’m on the right path now and there is nothing ahead of me but blue skies.
REMEMBER: Time. It’s precious, so waste it wisely.