If you’re like me, you get deluged with snail-mail, e-mail and telemarketers trying to sell you the latest, hottest and most profitable get-rich-quick scheme. They all share some common traits: One, they’re profitable – for the jerk selling the plan, and; Two, they involve either gold, silver, diamonds or ‘official’ minted coins made of that stuff. Except diamonds. You can’t make coins out of diamonds yet.
Anyone with half a functioning brain cell knows the precious metals market is risky. Everyone else is trying to make a buck on gold or silver, so the price flies all over the map almost as fast as your bank account empties. Diamonds, if you don’t know, are not (repeat: not) rare. They’re a commodity in an artificial high-demand market controlled by three suppliers. Try selling a diamond… go ahead, I’ll wait.
*pens a novel*
*builds a robot*
*eats bacon*
Okay, so now you know. Sorry about that worthless engagement rock, buddy. Ideally the warm, soft, good-smelling thing wearing it is the valuable prize. If not, well, sorry. Either way, you’re wondering now: how do you get ahead? Penny stocks? Sub-prime bond speculation?
If you want to invest in rare things, I researched some truly rare shit. Using the gold/silver precious metal model, all you have to do is ‘acquire’ some of this stuff and hold on to it.
Saffron: Yes, saffron. It moves for about $5000 per pound. Get yourself some of this now. Even if the market tanks, you’ll have kick-ass rice.
Rhino Horn: At a going rate of $25,000 per pound, you stand to make some fat stacks after the species goes extinct from poaching, you heartless asshole.
Meth: Speaking of fat stacks, brush up on your chemistry and pick a rockin’ alias from physics, because this stuff moves for $25,600 a pound. You’ll need a motorhome and a ‘crew,’ though. Even better, your downstream ‘investors’ will be dying to get more of your supply.
Crème de la Mer: This beauty cream goes for $32,000 a pound and will help your meth investors look better. To avoid a patent suit, simply repackage it. I suggest a name like, “Crème du Somme Guye.”
Plutonium: Because big energy or entire governments generally dabble in this commodity, you stand to hit the big time fast. Charge around $1,814,367.52 per pound, unless the guy looks Russian, North Korean, or Iranian.
Painite: The rarest gem in the world goes for over $136 million per pound, but you can collect it because the name alone is badass… “This is my painite collection – don’t touch!”
Antimatter: Brush up on your physics here, boys and girls, or be prepared for some annihilatingly-good explosive times. This $100 trillion-per-gram stuff is essentially priceless, but think of the cosplay cred you could pull down in Star Trek world. Live long and prosper.
Good luck and happy hunting.
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