"What do you really want?"
It seems like such a simple question. Only 5 words and one would think so easy to answer but here I am hours later still scratching my head.
What do I really want?
I could answer that in so many ways quite quickly - people not to suffer, a happy family, a strong marriage, no more cancer, NO MORE CANCER, peace, tranquility, good will to man, and I begin to feel like I am rambling off those generic ideals. No suffering. No hunger. No homeless. Peace. Happiness. Trust. Love.
But what do I really want and how does this tie into my training report you might ask.
It does. It ties in greatly as I ponder what I am doing, what I am training for, why I am training, and what do I really want? What am I being called to do? What am I supposed to be doing? What makes me happy inside and out and at peace with myself? Because it is through that deep inner peace that I know I am on the right path in life.
In July I ran 123 miles. Most of those miles were while I was on vacation where running was more fun even though my pace was still slow. I have been struggling with pace and I am thinking/hoping that it is related to medications my doctor had me on but I am in the process of coming off of. Only time will tell.
The other day I mentioned to darling daughter that I wasn't sure I wanted to run the marathon in October. I keep coming back to this "I don't want to race" and pulled out of a race in January and have no regrets over that choice. I thought I would get my vibe back for October but it isn't. In fact, the closer it comes that more unrest I feel inside.
I know I am fully capable of running the marathon. I am on target with my training even if I am a bit behind the ball. In all honestly, I am in a great place to follow through with the training plan this month and next and race nicely...even if more slowly due to that nagging pace issue. But I don't think I WANT to.
It is hard to think of my wants as it makes me feel selfish and it is something I haven't done for so long. I put others before me so often in life it is hard to think about what I really and truly want. I remember wanting to run my first marathon and that joy and sense of accomplishment in training runs - even if they were hard. By golly, I even felt that joy in training for the Kauai Marathon in 2015 but now....ugh. It seems since that race that was so meaningful to me and matched the awesome-sauce and meaning behind my first marathon that the marathon itself has lost its appeal.
Seriously, running another one won't bring my dad back. It won't make me better, more lovable, and change the way I feel about myself. It won't undo the hurts in my past and make things right as I hope or imagine right could be. It won't heal my broken heart and soothe the scars and dry my tears. It won't make one bit of difference in the whole entire world. It won't.
But I want to make a difference in the whole entire world.
By golly, I want to make a difference in a good way.
That is what I want.
To make a difference. To be good, to bring good, to ease suffering and sorrow, to be filled with peace so I can give peace, to be filled with joy so I can give joy, to be loving and merciful and to fully learn to embrace the gifts in life, God's forgiveness, and love myself.
I want to not hurt.
I want to not hurt.....
And running can no longer be my single go to. Today marks day 2043 of my running streak. The end of July was day 2041 and I had 8510 streak miles. Y'all, that is cool! That means more to me than a marathon because that is 2043 days of me sucking it up and putting one foot in front of the other no matter how discouraged I may have felt that day. 2043 days of saying yes to me and that I deserve at least the time to run a mile, one way or another.
But those miles can't be my only source of happiness or coping mechanism. Beachbody Core de Force brings me so much joy and I LOVE the workouts and feel really, really good afterward. I don't want to give that up. Crafting brings me a sense of accomplishment and sharing that time with my daughter is amazing. I don't want to give that up. I love to garden, read, listen to audiobooks, sing to music, and want to just enjoy life with less strings attached and less MUST DO's and more WANT TO DO's.
I want to want to run a marathon, I do, but right now, I don't want to....if that makes any sense. I love racing and want to want to race again but who knows if I will. I feel lost letting go of pieces of me that may not be who I am right now and wondering what the future holds for me. It is scary and that may be why I was clinging to training, marathons, and racing so much. After 10 marathons it seemed to define me and what I do but now I feel I am in the wrong clothes and feel awkward and out of place trying to fit into a box of bunnies standing out like a giraffe.
On a spiritual side, I feel this could be a really good place to be in. Scared. Uncertain. Lost. Turning away from the path I have grown used to and to the path I feel called to looking up at God and saying, "Jesus, I trust in you."