Recently A strange feeling has come upon meIt has sneaked up on me Like a fox in the night I wasn't sure what it was at firstIt felt so strange So foreignLike nothing I have ever experienced beforeIt's only todayThis morning in factThat I realised what it isIt's happinessAt least I think it is
For the longest time I was so very numbBetween my ED and my addiction Happiness was not something that I experienced very much From the age of 13I had been in troubleIn school Then after I left school My life began to implode I honestly don't think they up until this pointI had ever experienced happinessOr anything approaching happinessContentment Satisfaction They were all foreign concepts to me
My twenties were a right offUp until the age of 25 I was addicted to drugs And my ED was always there Jesus in the back ground I swear I went for years without laughing Or even smiling But recently I find myself laughing more and moreI firmly believe that laughter is good for the soul There is nothing better than a good belly laugh Nothing
Over the last 15 months My life has turned around to the point that I don't even recognize itAnd my families lives When I got illMy whole family became illWe were in such a bad way for years It is such a relief to have finally come out the other side There was a point in time When four out of the six members of my family were in active addictionIt was nothing short of a living nightmare Thinking back I'm not quite sure how we got through it I'm not sure how my mother stayed saneIt was utter chaos and devastationBut one by one We all got clean and sober And now we all have a good bit of recovery time behind us We've all done it in different waysWe have found what works for us As my mother often says Given what this family has been through We are not doing too badly at all
I haven't felt happiness in so long That I'm not even sure what it feels likeAll I know is that I feel good I dont want to hurt or kill myself So that is a start I don't want to be anyone elseI content to be meI feel ok in my skin I don't want to be bigger or smallerI don't crave an emaciated body I don't measure my worth in pounds and ouncesIn fact I don't weigh at allI measure my happiness and self worth by my actions By looking after myselfAnd my dogs By being a good personAnd doing the right thing Most of the time
I spent much of my life Looking at other girls And wishing I head their hair, legs, tan, shoes....I put together the perfect body Using body parts from different girls I hated my own bodyHated my faceI was convinced that I was butt ugly And there was nothing I could do to improve my looksAnd my body I hated it also I hated that I wasnt taller Leaner That my legs had no shape And my feet were deformed But now Now I see things a bit differently YesI have inherited my mothers hammer toe and bunionsBut it could be so much worse They are things that I can deal withAnd yes I am short at 5'4But that's ok I'm of an average weight Yes I will never have a supermodel body But that's ok tooI remember when I was in treatment I was told that I had a petite hour glass shape That is not too shabby And better than a kick in the face Yes I have days when I literally want to die because I feel I have no redeeming featuresI have days when I try on my whole wardrobeAnd still can find nothing to wear I have my bad days Days when I just want to lie on the floor and scream and cry because my favorite jeans no longer fit meThe point is That most days are okMost days are good Most days I can leave the house feeling ok in my skin And that I can deal with
So much has happened in the last yearI regained weight to a healthy range I gave up smoking And 14 months laterContinue to be a non smokerI decreased my purging by a huge amountBut the real changes The vital changesAre the ones that have happened in my mind My thinking My beliefs And though process has dramatically changed I have come to realize that I can deal with life without relying on drugs or my EDI've come to see that I am not a bad person And that for me is one of the biggest and best realisations Not only am I not a bad personI am actually a good personI am just a girl Who wants to live her life the best she can I want to live in my communityQuietly and harmoniously I want to look after my dogsWalk then Feed them Love themI want to be a productive member of societyI want to be valued And known as a reliable and good person
I have also come to realise That I am hugely blessedI have a strong family around meWho have carried me through my recovery on a wave of love and support My Mother Who continues to be my biggest cheerleader Is my rock My backboneOver the years She has literally picked me up many times And have me a reason to keep goingI have siblingsAnd being the youngest of four I am forever treated as the baby I am so lucky to have had such amazing people in my life Family Friends Sponsors Mentors They have all been there exactly when I needed themI am lucky that I come from a middle class family And have never struggled for money That is huge As it means that I never went without Even when times were tough
NowIn my thirties It feels like I am finally figuring things outHeck I got measured for my first bra at the grand ol' age of 34And we all know what a revelation that wasMy twenties were a blur of drugs and alcohol and starvationMy thirties feel clear and steady and mature So yesI think I might be happyMy family are all in a good place My sister came home from Australia Which was amazingShe was sorely missedAnd it's so good to have her home My health is good My mental health is good I feel part of things I am an active member of our community hereAnd this community means so much to meYou ladies Who have been staunch supporters of mineI can never express the love and gratitude I feel for you amazing ladiesYou have been with me every step of the way over the last 3 and a half yearsThis blog has saved my life And my sanity Over and over againI am so honoured to be part of our little community I have met the most wonderful people through my blog People who I now call friends
I hope I can maintain this feelingI feel so positive about my life at the momentYes I am not perfect And there is still a lot of work to be done But right hereRight now I feel content I feel happy I feel ok to be me Because I am doing my best to be a good person And that is enough for me It's taken me a long long time But I finally feel like I know what I am doing Where I am going And what I want out of life I feel happy to be alive And that my friends Is a miracle