Hi everyone, I'm back! I haven't blogged in a few weeks due to a bunch of consecutive events: visiting my in laws, having my friends over for a stay, us all falling very ill which included a couple of night spewing episodes with Ally and hospital visit for the baby. Typing on here feels a little effortful and even unnatural once again :/ But I'm sure I will ease back into it with a couple of posts...
So few weeks ago, we drove up to the sunny coast to visit the in laws. There were good moments, great moments, not so nice moments - as you do. I did really enjoy seeing the kids (my little brother-in-law, little sister-in-law, nephew, cousins) and going out to dinner with my husband's parents and his favorite uncle & aunty. The last time I saw any of them would be almost 4 years ago.
Before traveling up there, I had dreaded the trip for days. I couldn't sleep for a few nights, dreaming up possible conflicts, conversations gone bad with my MIL. (I have 2 MILs - 1 whom I get along with and 1 whom I struggle to.) I have actually only met the one I don't get along with once in my life for a period of 2 weeks and sadly, it wasn't the nicest of experiences. I was in tears half the time and was extremely uncomfortable. This time, I wasn't exactly looking forward to another visit.
Almost like Monday-dread but 10 times head-in-hands, totally-stressed-out kind of worse!
See, my MIL isn't a terrible person. Neither am I. Sometimes, some people just don't click and I think that's ok. We are civil, sometimes she texts me and it's all good and polite.
This time, Husband and I got her some gifts and made a silent note to make sure we meet her in the day so as not to coincide with her drinking times so hopefully, it is all civil and sober with no dramas, tears, fighting.
On the day we were supposed to meet her, my husband asked me again if I wanted to go. He said I didn't have to go if I wasn't comfortable and he would understand. Besides, it wasn't just us meeting her for lunch so it probably wouldn't be too obvious or rude that I was missing from the group.
After all the hours and nights of dreading, I jumped and bolted for the opportunity. It just looked like such a good, easy way out not to have to deal with any potential dramas.
"Alright, I won't go then. But please do send her my well wishes and give her the presents we got for her. I really hope she likes them."
I wasn't trying to be smart. Neither was I trying to be nasty or rude.
I simply justified in my mind and thought it would be better if we didn't meet.
That way, I potentially won't get upset, I potentially won't cry, I don't have to put myself in a situation that I am not comfortable in... On the other hand, she will just have my well wishes, have the gifts and everything will be civil and neutral!
No one has to go out of their way to deal with any potential discomfort.
What a perfect win-win situation for both.
Later, she sent me a text message to thank me for the gifts and said she missed seeing me. She also apologised for anything she had said or done to hurt me in the past and said: "I wish we could do better".
As we made the long drive home back to the Hunter, I was surprised to realize that I didn't feel all that happy about not seeing her.
The relief I thought I would feel was distinctively missing.
The 'brilliant' arrangement that I thought was foolproof had failed to satisfy.
Unexpectedly, it felt like... a missed opportunity.
Unexpectedly, I felt a little sad.
Unexpectedly, I felt a little disappointed with myself.
One visit in 4 years and I couldn't even do it? Is my heart just not magnanimous enough?
Sure, things could have gone bad as before. But it could also have gone better.
I was too busy being guarded and hurt and preventing potential this and that to allow a second chance.
Too busy trying to protect myself.
That is a problem I definitely have.
Maybe time will help me open my heart a little more.
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{Linking my reflections with Essentially Jess for IBOT}