It's time to set the record straight
There are a lot of things that your eating disorder would have you believe
That you are fat
That you are worthless
A bad person
A burden on your family
Our EDs are like a little voice in our heads
Whispering/shouting/screaming these things in our ears
We hear them so much that we begin to believe them
But they are not true
EDs lie
They lie to us every single day
There are other things that our EDs would have us believe
That we are under complete control
That we are pure and clean because we deny ourselves food
That we are delicate and dainty and fragile because we are thin
That we are tragically beautiful
Special
Different
Unique
That people envy us because we can go without food
That people will like or love us even more because we are thin
I need to tell you that this is utter horse shit
We are not under control when we are in the grip of this illness
In fact we are spinning wildly out of control
We are not pure and clean because we deny ourselves food
We are weak and malnourished and cold and starving
Others do not envy us because we are thin
They pity us
They don't love us more
They worry about us more
We don't get more attention
We get sympathy
We are not special or unique or different
We are like millions of other girls and guys who are really unwell
There is nothing special about that
It's probably the hardest thing that we will ever do
But we need to stand up to that voice
We need to drown it out with positivity and love
We need to believe in ourselves so we don't fall for the lies
We need to tell on our eating disorders
Take away their power
The truth is that our EDs want us dead
There is no pretty was to say that
They want to kill us
And while they kill us
They want us to be utterly miserable
I don't know what life will be like after living with an ED for 14 years
I can't remember life without it
But it has to be better than living this half life
In death's waiting room
I have listened to anorexia for too long
I've let her live rent free in my head
I've let her destroy my body and my mind
And what has she given me in return?
Weak bones
Rotten teeth
Lank hair
Grey papery skin
A warped mind
A distorted body image
Isolation
Depression
Anxiety
Misery
Fear
Loneliness
Hatred of myself and my body
A deathwish
And a devastated family
For the first time in years
My life is turning around
With the help and love and support of my family and countless others
I am separating myself from my ED
I am finding the true Ruby
The girl who as locked inside this illness
Stifled and suppressed
I thought she was gone forever
I thought I would never find joy in life again
Or laugh again
But it's happening
It's truly happening for me
I am under no illusions
Things are not perfect
Far from it
But I am getting a little bit stronger every day
And I have people around me to catch me when I fall
Which I do often
I am breaking out of the prison that is my eating disorder
I am fighting back
My eating disorder has taken so much from me
But it hasn't taken my hope
My spirit
My faith
And my belief
I have so much to love for
I can see that now
Finally
I can see that now