I Love My Son Enough to Hit Him

I've decided I'm going to start hitting. Not just Zen Son, but everyone. I mean, why not, right? I need people to pay attention to me, dammit!
Next time my dog jumps up on me incessantly when I walk in the door, I'm going to spank her. Oh wait. Crap. I can't do that. I'll go to jail. Damn.
Ok, but next time my husband pisses me off, I'm definitely going to spank him. I mean, just LISTEN, dude! I asked you fifteen times to take out the trash. Maybe you'll remember next time! Shit. Nope. Can't to that either. Pesky laws.
Alright, but when that neighbor kid lets his dog poop in my yard AGAIN, he's definitely getting spanked. Seriously! Wait, what? I can't? You mean to tell me that's regulated, too? This is going too far now.
My 83 year old grandma with dementia - she wanders. When she wanders somewhere potentially dangerous, I'm just going to have to spank her. It'll hurt me more than her, but I love her enough to endure it. She has to be taught a lesson for her own safety. Huh? Are you flippin' kidding me? That's illegal, too? B.S.
Fine, but I'm definitely spanking my son. Who are YOU to tell me what to do with my own kid in my own home? It's just good parenting! Those of you who don't agree are what's wrong with the world today! I love my son enough to hit him!