I was another tricky customerBut after giving it some thoughtI decided to go with Identity As it's something that comes up for me again and againIn my illnessAnd in recovery When I was very unwellMy whole persona revolved around both my addiction and my EDFrom the age of 18I was Ruby the drug addictAnd that's a label that's hard to shake As along with that come the labels of liar, thief, manipulator They say a reputation takes years to formBut only seconds to undoI had a reputation of being troubleAnd boy did I live up to it Somewhere along the lineMy ED began to developAnd it wasn't long until I had acquired a new labelAnorectic Quickly followed by bulimicIn a strange wayOnce you are labelled with these titlesYou feel like you have to live up to themI knew nothing about eating disorders before I was diagnosedI had never known anyone with one I had no experience at all My diagnosis was a complete shock I wasn't trying to lose weight I wasn't unhappy with my sizeIn fact more than that I never gave it much thought It wasn't until the professionals started weighing me That I began to take notice of the numbers They seemed important to themSo they became important to meAnd have been the Bain of my life ever since
After my diagnosis I completely identified myself by my illness I was no longer Ruby I was Ruby the sick oneAnd when you are sick People are generally very nice to you Very caring You get a special kind of attentionI know it might not be popular to say that But for me It was the truth I used to get a kick out people telling me that I looked unwellThat I looked pale and wanI almost wanted people to feel sorry for me Why?I'm not entirely sure But I do knowThat once you become the sick one It's really very difficult to shake that labelBecause being sick becomes your whole world If it's taken away What will be left?And that's exactly what terrified meWho would I be without my illness?It was like my ED slowly but surely taking over my life My personalityMy bodyAnd without it I had nothing
There comes a point in life When you either sink or swimI came to that point about two years ago After I got out of hospital for the umpteenth timeI had to make the decision To recover Or sink further down the rabbit holeI began to gain weight And get well It hasn't been a straight road since then I've been up and down and all over the place And had a minor relapse last year But I bounced back And continue to bounce backThere was a time Not too long ago That I did nothing of a day Apart from binge and purge All I did was watch TV all day And eat And throw upI had nothing going on in my life No job No course No hobbies No interests It was just me and my EDBut over the last year I have carved out a life for myself Now I have a life I am no longer Ruby the anorectic I am Ruby the womanRuby the daughter Sister Auntie Dog ownerHorse rider Ruby the dancer The swimmer Ruby the recovering addict and anorectic I amNow I am so much more than my illness My illness has faded in to the background And I starting to live And loveMy life