For meThe best thing about going awayIs coming homeAfter a long journey yesterdayWe arrive home at about 7pmHoney and Lea had a huge welcome for meAnd I sat on the floor with them for a whileMy Dad stayed with them for the weekendThey absolutely love himAnd just fling themselves at him when they see himWhen I know he is on the wayI say to the dogs'Whose come to see you?'I don't think they know what the words meanBut my tone of voice lets them know thdt something exciting is about to happenI then unpacked my case Changed in to a comfortable pair of pyjamas Made a cup of tea And curled up on the couch for the evening
I also weighed myself this morningI gained a grand total of one pound over the last few days But seriously I need to do something about the food situation at the momentI'm back in the cycle of eat, purge, eat, purge...I can't even say I am bingeingAs the amount I am eating does not constitute a bingeBut to all intents and purposes It feels very much like a bingeCraving the food the way I used to crave heroinThe mindless, out of control eatingAnd then purging it all outI read recently about the difference between emotional hunger and physical hungerApparently With physical hungerAlmost anything will fill that holeAny type of food will satisfy the craving But with emotional hunger It is a lot more acute You crave a certain item of foodAnd only that food will doUsually it's a high fat, high sugar or carbohydrate type foodI know I crave strong flavoursSour and salt and tangyI never find I crave lettuce or cucumberIt's always bread, crisps and chocolate Of course
I am struggling thoughMy purging has increased a lot in the past couple of weeks And it's effecting everythingI can't enjoy my foodAs I know what wil happen once I have eaten I know I will have to excuse myself to the nearest bathroom after I eatI will have to check out the toilets cubicles Or maybe use the disabled bathroom if there is no one around As it has its own little roomSo no one would see or hear anything More often than not The toilets are little cubicles in cafes and restaurants With only a thin sheet of wood separating themBut stillIt's not nice having to do that At least at home there is a level of privacy and comfort
I know how this game goes thoughI start weighing obsessively Purging more and moreBuying specific binge food And having marathon eat , purge sessions I saw my doctor this morning But didn't take the opportunity to speak to himInstead I will contact MaryAnd ask for a couple of sessions I believe I can get back on track with a little help and support
I hope I haven't disappointed you I will keep fighting for a better lifeI'm not going to give upThat's just not my style...