Really hard
It started the day of my birthday
I was having a fat day
And did not want to go out at all
In fact I just wanted to get in to my bed
And not get out until I was thin
My fatness damn nearly ruined my birthday
But I pushed through it and managed to enjoy myself
Then I saw the photos from my birthday
And I felt like crying
I didn't recognize the girl in the pictures
I couldn't believe that that was me
My legs looked so chunky
And my jacket looked too small for me
I just wanted to disappear
Then yesterday
For some reason best known to myself
I decided to weigh myself
I was shocked to see that my weight is increasing at an alarming rate
I saw a number I have never seen before in my whole life
Right there and then I resolved to stop eating until I was thin again
Ant to exercise my big butt off
I just didn't know what else to do
This was early in the morning
My sister came down later on
I decided to talk to her rather than taking the drastic measures I had planned
That doesn't work anymore anyway
I had a very honest chat with her
She told me that I was eating too much junk food
She is not wrong
Because I have given up smoking
I have been eating more sweet stuff
And have been sticking my head in the sand
Refusing to face up to the reality of how much I have been eating
My sister insisted that I am not big
But I know that I am
And I know that it doesn't suit me
We decided to work out each day how many calories I consume
And how many calories I burn
Also to keep a food diary
So I know how my food is effecting my weight
I have a lovely new notebook
So I am using it for that
I know that counting calories probably isn't ideal for someone trying to recover from an eating disorder
But I don't know what else to do right now
I have to do something
Because if my weight keeps going up
I am going to lose my marbles
I feel like there is so much of me
Although my clothes still fit
They are tighter
And I hate that
I am so used to my clothes being baggy
My sister keep s telling me that I am in recovery
And I need to take it easy on myself
Again she is right
She also told me that I am getting used to my new body
And that will take time
I know she makes sense
It's just that this part of recovery really sucks
I feel like I am not in control of my weight or my body
And that is a scary feeling
I feel out of control
Afraid
Anxious
Uncertain
Uncomfortable in my own skin
My sister also said that I will never have the body that I had when I was 20
She said that I am a woman
Not a girl
And women have hips and boobs and curves
It's true though
I used to be able to not eat for days
And it would have little effect on me
I can't do that anymore
Not that that's a bad thing
But seriously
I need to get my eating in to some sort of normality
The chocolate is gone
There is no such thing as me having a little bit
So it had to go
I kept my food diary
And worked out the calories
Then subtracted the calories I burned from a 45 minute walk
A 15 minute jog
And 45 minutes of Zumba
I probably over did it on the exercise yesterday
But the truth is that I want to lose some weight
I know that is dangerous territory
But what do I do?
I feel so uncomfortable
So awkward and cumbersome
I'm not going on a crazy diet
I am trying to do it the healthy way
If there is such a thing
Maybe I am crazy to be thinking about such things
Maybe I should just try and get used to this body
But I just want to get down to where I am remotely comfortable in my own skin
You know?
I mean, look at this photo
Am I imagining things
Or do I look really big
I think I do
With all that said
I need your help
Have you re-gained weight in recovery?
How did you manage?
Did you over shoot your set point at first?