It has been far too long since I last posted, in fact for awhile there I had forgotten about this blog. So color me surprised when I logged into wordpress a week ago to find that this blog was still being read, still having an impact on the readers and still providing a safe place for people to open up about their struggles with introversion, anxiety, depression, life etc.
My life has taken some crazy turns the last few years. I'm no longer on medication, haven't been for almost two years. And during that two year span I've had no episodes, no bouts of depression or mania. Just your run of the mill anxiety, low self esteem and body image issues. But that alone brings up a new problem, something I've been trying to understand. Ever since I went off the meds, my life has become "normal."In fact, it's almost implausible to me that I used to struggle as I did. What used to be a daily struggle for me is now a distant nightmare. And that has me confused.
Was this all a lie? Was this something that was manufactured by the psych meds that I was on and the moment I removed them from my body I returned to "normal?"
Or was I just lying to myself and those around me that my "mental" issues were more than just run of the mill anxiety and introversion?
At this point I really have no clue. I'm thankful I'm stable and able to function, but in overcoming this struggle I've found a new "Elephant in the room" to fight with.
As I've become more outgoing, forcing myself to go outside and be around others on a daily basis, I'm now in a constant struggle with the notion that I should be introverted but I'm not, rather it would seem that I'm both extroverted and introverted. It's a constant fight/struggle.
And on-top of that internal struggle is a burning question:
Do I deserve a better life? Do I deserve to be happy?
Oddly enough I had always been afraid that if I was "cured" I wouldn't have anything to write about, but I'm now realizing this is not the case. In fact my mind is overwhelmed with things. The past two years have rocketed by and although I'm stable now, there were some really dark times, horrible drug abuse depths and other turns that I never in a million years would have thought my life would have taken. But the fact is I wouldn't change it. I would not change the struggle, or the twisted journey my life has taken. Because through all of the darkness, through all the pitfalls I have arrived at a point in time where I'm starting to love myself and understand why I was put on this earth.
There are not going to be any guarantees from me, in fact I might never post again, but I doubt that would be the case. I haven't written this much in two years and the fact is my fingers ache to type. I need to get out these thoughts and feelings before I burst.
I hope this post finds you all well and if not hang in there and remember you are not alone in this struggle. You are not alone in this world. If we all reach out our hands at least once to our fellow man, the world would be a better place.
Now for some shameless plugging. A post I wrote in 2012 about the struggles of introverts in an extroverted world is by far the most popular post on this blog. Every day 100+ readers visit that post leaving comments about their hopes, dreams, struggles, connections, lives and fears.
https://manicdepressiveblog.wordpress.com/2012/04/16/the-confusing-life-of-an-introvert-and-why-it-is-so-dangerous-to-force-ourselves-to-become-extroverts/This post reminds me why I originally created this blog, to create a community where anyone can join, feel safe and talk with other people. To open up about their struggles or to find out information on how to help their loved one's. I just wanted to apologize to the 90+ readers that left comments and were not approved until today, as I stated above I had forgotten about this blog for a long while, but I want to ensure you that from this day forward I will ensure everyone's voice is heard.
This blog is as much my blog as it's your blog. As such if there are reader's out there who would like to guest post or even write a series of posts please email me at daspccs [at] gmail.com
Again I hope this post finds you well. How was your Thanksgiving? I almost slept through mine as I was bummed out/slightly depressed about having no contact with my family (there is a lot I need to make up for to my family as a result of my actions the last few years, but hopefully my relationship with them isn't completely fucked).
David A. Stein.