My weight continues to head southI'm not yet considered underweightBut I will shortly if u continue the way I'm goingThe scale is my friend again I now wake up in the morningAnd am excited to step on itTo see what number it will be today
It's both thrilling and terrifyingAnd the thing about weight loss is that it is addictive You have a goal in mindYou reach that goalAnd the goal posts shift Anorexia is never satisfiedIt's a game of cat and mouseAnd I am always playing catch up
I guess it is a good thing that I am seeing Mary this weekI'm in a very different place to when she last saw meBack then I was underweightAnxiousDepressed Lonely I wanted to disappearAnd tried my damnest to do soI've come a long way in the last yearMade some progress I'm closer to recovery than I've ever beenOr at least I was up until recently AnywayIt will be good to see herAnd to soak in some of her wisdom
I've lost eight pounds in the last coue of weeksIt always seems to happen quickly for meI both gain and lose weight rapidlyProbably because my behaviours are so extremeI'm either not eating at allOr eating everything and purging The weight falls off me when I am in this mode
I think back to when I was twenty pounds heavierAnd I wonder how I tolerated itAnd how I didn't take a knife to my fleshOr go completely insaneI don't know know how I stood myselfHow I dressed myself every dayHow I didn't fall apart But the funny thing isI don't see a huge difference in the mirrorI think I still look round and pudgyAnd my clothes still fit meDo I don't know where the weight has gone from
As well as being obsessed with my ownWeightI am also a bit obsessed with other people's weightI regularly ask to weigh my mother and sisterThey are both the same height as meDo I can make a direct comparison My mother is one pound less than meShe is like s little birdMy sister is twenty five pounds heavier than meAnd I think she looks like a good weightIt suits herFor some reason it's ok for other people to weigh what they weighBut for me it's notI always want to be smaller
The other thing isThat I don't want to be underweight anymoreI just want to be healthy and fitAnd slimIt seems the thinner I getThe better I feelI wish it wasn't this wayBut it isIt always has been
But I don't want to get unwellI don't want to worry my familyCompromise my health and my sanityI don't want to be hospitalised I don't want to have to go to treatment againI just want to feel comfortable in my own skinTo wear whatever I wantAnd not feel I am bursting out of my clothesI want to feel confident PrettyHappy to be meYou know?I have no doubt that I will have this disorder foreverI know that it doesn't go awayBut I want to be as well as I can get I'm tired of living a half lifeI'm sick of bowibg to my EDIt's exhausting And is draining the life out of meI just want to be wellIs that too much to ask?I think not