A few days agoI wrote about having a huge urge to weigh myself And then having a few awful body image daysPrompted me to go ahead and do itI had put my scales away In the back of my wardrobeI pulled them outDusted them offAnd placed them on the wooden floor beside my bedUsually I feel super anxious and nervous before I weighAnd get butterflies in my tummyYesterday howeverI felt nothing I stripped I tapped the scaleAnd the numbers flicked to zeroI tentatively stepped onI had absolutely no idea of my weightAs I hadn't weighed in weeksThe screen flashed And settled on a numberA number higher than I am comfortable withAnd one I have seen since this time last year
I stepped off the scale Dressed And tried to process the informationUsually I have a viceral reaction to weighingRelief if it's a safe numberAnd sheer devastation of it's a high numberThere have been times when I've had a full blown meltdown after weighingAnd sat on my bedroom floorNakedAnd sobbingBut you know what?Today I felt nothingThe number meant nothing I felt neither relief or devastationI just acknowledged the number Didn't let it get to meAnd moved on
As you know I was an obsessive weighed when I was very unwellI weighed my self worth in pounds and ouncesI can honestly say That this is the first time I have weighed myselfAnd not had a dramatic reactionAnd that my friendsIs nothing short of a miracle
This is progress I thinkSeeing that the number is just a numberNothing moreNothing less It's just a number It is so freeing to finally not feel tied to the scale I know that I am not over or under weightSo I am ok with my weightNot thrilledBut not in despair eitherIt just is what it is
My body image has improved today tooWhich is strangeYou would think after weighingThat I would be all over the placeBut surprisingly I am dealing with it rather wellOf course I am still adjusting to the weight re-gainSome days I feel like I should roll instead of walkI go between absolutely hating my bodyTo somewhere approaching something Like looking like ok
But As ever I will keep ploughing onI will try to stay as well I can I will try to accept and love my body as best as I can I will continue to be a pessimistic optimist As ever I will fight for a better lifeFor sanity For peace of mind For my family For my own mental healthI am much more than a numberA clothes size I don't have to be skinny to be beautifulBeauty comes in all shapes and sizes And is most certainly in the eye of the beholder I do t want to go back to being sickIt's only now that I am feeling betterThat I realize how ill I truly wasI on the way to getting betterEveryday I get a little strongerAnd you know what?I wouldn't trade it for anything