It's Friday And I am getting browner by the dayI just signed up to my second round of one hundred minutes on the sun showerAnd even bought tan accelerator lotion Which cost €28 And better be bloody worth itDuring the summerA tan is essential for meIt's the only way I can face wearing less clothesI live in Ireland So I'm probably being presumptuous thinking that the weather will be goodButI live in hope that the sun will shineAnd I will have to peel the layers of clothes off me
I can compare tanning to an eating disorderYou know the way when you are in the grip of the illness?And you are losing weightI know I used to always tell myself Just ten more poundsJust five more poundsJust two moreWell it's similar with tanningI think to myselfI just want to get a little bit brownerJust a teeny weeny little bitThe goal posts are always shiftingAnd you never get to a place where you are happyYou always want to push it that bit further
In other newsMy weight seems to have stabilised At a BMI of 19-20I can live with thatI can handle itWhen I was a lot thinnerA BMI of 19 was the worst thing I could think ofAnd the funny thing isThat I now feel smaller than I did when I had a BMI of 13Go figure
I am still reeling from the news of that guy who died I was in touch with a school friendWho told me that this guy was just out of rehabAnd had relapsed days after leavingThat's the thing with relapsingAfter being clean got done timeWe become opiate naiveWhich means that our tolerance is very lowAnd do the risk of overdosing massively increasesI know this guy has been struggling with addiction for a long timeAnd now drugs have claimed another young lifeIt's just not right He would have been around the same age as meHis younger sister was in my class in schoolIt's just so sad As I know his family fought endlessly to get him cleanBut unfortunately Others can't get clean for usThey can't get us wellIt has to come from the personI know that if love and support could have got me cleanI would have gotten well a long time ago
I'm still attending meetingsAnd have swapped numbers with some members The thing about meetings Is that they are open to anyoneAnyone who wants to get clean and soberThere can be a lot of sick people in those roomsHeck even I'm sickThere are people who have an agendaOr who just want to hook upThey say that we should stick with the winners People who are doing well And who have good recovery behind themSo that's what I try to doI think that you get back what you put outDo if you are sending out vibes that you useThen you will attract that kind of personAnd if you project that you are clean and sober I think you attract that kind of person too
My anxiety seems to have lessened an awful lotIt really was taking over my lifeAnd effecting everything I didIt's a horrible place to be in And fear and paranoia are best buds with anxiety I'm not sure why But in the last few days I feel more groundedMore steadyStableI feel a bit stronger in myselfMore able to copeThe relief is massive The fact that I can talk to someone Or drive somewhereWithout the feeling that I am going to have a complete meltdown Is a freakin' miracle people!I tell ya It has transformed my whole lifeAnd it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders Like I can breathe againAnd that in turn has hugely helped my confidenceThe fact that I can get on with my day and not feel like I want to curl up in a ball in the corner of the room and cry like a hungry babyIt's progressI'm moving in the right direction At least I think I am
Tonight As in tomorrow morning At 4 15amThe annual Pieta House 5km darkness to light walk is onYou might remember that I did this walk with my mom last yearPieta House deals with people who are suicidal or self harming They provide their services got free and they are based all over the worldAnd the walk takes place every year
The walk starts at 4 15amIn the pitch dark And as we walk the light seeps inThe birds begin to singAnd it's very poignantAnd very movingI love to do this walk As Pieta House provide such a great serviceAnd suicide is a huge problem in this countryEspecially with young menI think most of us have been affected by suicide Whether we know someone who has attempted to end their lifeOr maybe we ourselves have attemptedSo I think it's a really worthwhile cause to supportEven though we will have to get up at 3amI still don't mindIf it helps some one Then it is more than worth itAnd yesI will post photos of said walk tomorrow
That's all from me today Enjoy your Friday x