Because things are improving againAnd I feel like I am getting back in trackBack in a recovery frame of mindI have to accept that weight restoration goes along with that I can't recover and maintain a low body weight When I saw Mary yesterday She asked me to get rid of my scalesBut to continue to weigh once a weekIn a pharmacy or where ever I canAs she is not going to weigh me any more I have a couple of issues about weighing in a pharmacy First, it's such a public place to do such an intimate thing I would be mortifiedAnd secondAs a ruleI weigh with no clothes onAnd go by that I can't do that in a storeWell I guess I could But I would probably be arrested for indecent exposureI've got this far in my life without a criminal recordI don't want to acquire one now So noI won't be doing that I think I will just keep my scales and weigh once a week on them
I weighed this morning And I had gained almost two pounds At first I wasn't fussedAs Mary always says A kilo either way can be fluid or feaces But I as I went about my dayIt began to get to me Anorexia had a right go at meCalling me fatUgly Useless Worthless I looked omin the mirror And could almost see where those two pounds had gone But this is the thing It's a choice I can either be underweight And miserable And sick And depressedOr I can gain a little weight And have the opportunity to really live my life Be healthy Happy I think back to a few short months agoWhen my weight was healthyI used to think back thenIf I only could lose some weight Then I would be happy Of course I did lose weight And I liked the way my clothes hung off me like I was a human coat hanger I liked that I could slip in to size 4 clothes That I had to roll down the tops of my jeans so they wouldn't fall downI liked that people commented that I had lost weight But along with the weight lossI began to lose my peace of mind I couldn't enjoy my new sizeAs my family and others were worried about me What good is a thin bodyIf you are unwellIf you are miserable Now that I am two stone lighterAm I any happier?To be honest I don't really think so It's different But not better The only difference is that I now take up less space Nothing more
I don't know about youBut I don't go about my dayJudging people because of their weight It just doesn't come in to itPeople come in all shapes and sizes But really it doesn't matter Who a person is Is nothing to do with what they look like Or what they weigh It's not about their body It s about their heart Their mind Their personality And I'm thinking if I'm not judging anyone else There are hardly many people judging me either I mean come onLife is too short to worry about a few extra pounds And God knows I can afford to put on a few measly pounds
One thing that can keep us locked in to our illness Is labels When you are diagnosed You are given the title of anorectic or bulimic You are told you have an eating disorder You might be declared underweight And you will be told you are unwellAnd sick If you suffer with an ED for any extendedPeriod of time You be accustomed to being the sick one The ill one The underweight one People might treat you differently More gently With more compassion and empathy There may even be 'ED perks'It may be very unpopular to write about this But there are benefits to having an ED Otherwise Why would we do it?But the thing is When you are out in to an ED shaped box It's very hard to break out And find a new identity I can remember talking about this in treatment Who would I be without my ED?Who is Ruby?What is she all about?Is there more to get than anorexia and bulimia? Being the sick one No one expects very much from youYou are ill So allowances are madeWith recovery and wellness Comes responsibility When you are no longer the sick one You might be treated differently People might expect more So often It is preferable to stay unwellAnd hang on to your ED
I've had glimpses of recovery Of what my life could be like To find new and healthy labels Or maybe no labels at allMaybe I'll just be Ruby the girl The daughter The sister The auntie The doggy mama The writer The horse rider I can wear many or all of these hats But I don't have to be defined by any of them And I can break out of the ED box and world that I lived inOf course This transition is not easy Change is hard Recovery is tricky But it is possible It is doable And it will be so worth it It's something that we won't regret So let's do it Let's not waste another day, week, month, year on an illness that just wants us dead Let's fight for a better life For a futureAnd a life beyond our ED I'm just not willing to live within the restraints of this illness anymore It's suffocating me It's boring meIt's draining the very life out of me We don't have to do it alone We have each other And if there is one thing this community does wellIt's supporting each otherAre you with me?I cant here you Are you with me?????