Mixed week in all. Incredibly flat out with appointments for both my children. Finalising one wisdom tooth surgery and beginning the next for my son. Psych appointment for my son, counseling for my daughter.
Sophie has completed her first HSC exam, and came through beautifully. No panic, no restriction, no anything, apart from calm and maturity (lol, well for this week anyway). What a comparison to last year. One exam to go and she has completed her HSC. Very proud of her and amazed at her journey and courage.
My son however takes me almost full circle. He says the medication etc is not working for him (despite several of us seeing a change). So the psychiatrist has stepped up. Bloods to be done, a psychologist to be added to his treatment, double his anti-depressant medication and that kicker for me – start him on olanzapine. That floored me. To have two children on psychotic medication because they both desperately need the benefits it gives above and beyond basic anxiety/depression medication is a hell of a thing to get used to. I ache for my son and his depth of pain and inability to be able to do this himself. In the past month I have learnt too of his black and white, perfectionist pattern more, see the exercise obsession more clearly, body image and realize that his food intake is still not quite enough despite concerted efforts to increase.
I have no problem with the olanzapine itself – it will help him sleep, it will pick up his appetite, it will give him space and clarity in his mind. It however will also make him drowsy and drugged out until he gets used to it and it will cloud his focus and brain power. Keeping him on track with Yr 12 will be difficult particularly during this early phase. I also am worried just monitoring him. I didn’t have to do this for Sophie she was in hospital and was monitored there.
I am learning that despite all we have been through and myself in caring for my daughter, that whilst I have knowledge of many things I do not have a reserve of strength. Strength is given for when it is needed, and I am finding myself at God’s feet asking again He be the strength and guide I need. I am aware there are not inner wells of strength within myself and also a barrier of “not again”.
Feeling overwhelmed with the amount of appointments to make and do, fragile watching another child struggle, disappointed at myself for not protecting my kids more, angry at my ex for a whole raft of reasons, and reminding myself that all of this is known to God and in His hands.