Where he sings 'You got the fear'
Well, I think I have the fear
The last week has been something of an eye opener
I'm not quite back to myself yet but I'm well enough to think about and process recent events
I said that the pancreatitis was unexpected
That I had no warning
But is that really true?
I've been purging multiple tines a day for 13 years
Something was bound to give
And if I don't change my ways I've been warned that the condition will become chronic
So why doesn't that scare me?
Why doesn't that shock me?
I'm starting to worry that I'm not worried if that makes sense
I've been reading about pancreatitis and one of the side effects or symptoms is weight loss
I was secretly delighted to read this
But that is truly sick and twisted
How disgusting it is to think that way
There must be something seriously warped in my head
I purged 4 times yesterday
I'm sure that's the definition of insanity
Now that I am feeling better I have a million questions
The main one being that if my meds caused this, then why the hell am I still on them?
This week has highlighted just what a problem my meds are
I've been on methadone for 9 years now
9 years
A person is not meant to be kept on it for this long
They call it maintenance but this is ridiculous
Yes my dose has been reduced but I'm not even half way there
And it's not just my doctor that is to blame
I should be speaking up and saying that I want to be off it
But the thing is that I don't want to come off it
I reluctantly reduced my dose and was kicking and screaming all the way
I'm addicted to methadone
Psychologically and physically
And also my other meds
I'm addicted to them too and do tend to abuse them
They are my escape
My opt out of reality option
If I feel like I can't cope with life, I just pop some pills and float in to oblivion
Why would I want to give that up?
I watched a documentary last week about Russell Brand called 'Addiction to recovery'
I don't particularly care for Russell Brand but it's a topic that interests me so I watched it
Russell was addicted to drugs when he was in his twenties
But he is now clean
I'm not 100% sure as he didn't mention AA or NA but I figure he uses that programme
He believes in complete abstinence from drugs
Including prescription drugs like methadone
He believes that until an addict is completely abstinent they are just bouncing from one addiction to another
He made a lot of sense
He articulated himself very well and was obviously passionate about the subject
I've tricked myself for the longest time that I am clean
That because I'm not sticking a needle in my arm I am not using
That prescription drugs don't count
I've slipped in to the belief that because they are prescribed and legal they are ok
But I don't take them properly
I never have
Yes, I may get through a few days or even a few weeks of taking them properly but in the end I always go back to abusing them
I just can't trust myself with drugs
I've always been like that
I could never have just one drink
Once I started I couldn't stop for love nor money
One is too many and a thousand never enough as they say in AA
And if a bottle of pills says to take one daily
You can bet your life that I will take 3 or 4
Why?
Because I'm an addict
Because I can't help myself
Imagine that feeling you get just before a binge
Nothing in the world could stop you from eating that food
The world could be ending and you would still find a way to get to that food
The 2 addictions, drugs and anorexia/bulimia come from the same place
It's the same addiction just a different substance
The feelings
The emotions
The lengths we go to for both addictions are the same
I have a lot of other addictions too that aren't quite as serious but they are addictions all the same
They include tv
Internet
Cigarettes
They are all crutches that get me through the day
Without them I shudder to think how I would manage
What would be left of they were taken away?
Me I guess
And that is exactly what I've been running from all these years
Someone left a comment asking me if I was going to consider treatment again
And yes I am considering it
Mary has said she can't keep seeing me if I continue to purge
And I literally can't stop
At least not on my own
I need help
Support
I need to dedicate a lot of time and energy to it and I just can't do it here at home on my own
I can't trust myself
But if I do go back in I have to sure that I'm going to be committed and give it 100%
The last 3 times in treatment I made precious little progress
I didn't really try
I sabotaged things for myself
Got asked to leave
The last time it took me a full year to work up the courage just to ring the treatment centre
But time is a luxury I just don't have anymore
The situation is getting urgent
I can't afford to mess about
So I'm going to ring Imelda who runs the programme
At least I've been there before and I know the people
The admission process shouldn't take as long
There a couple of reservations that I have
One being that I don't think I am thin enough
God, that is so stupid but it's how I feel
Another being that I clashed with some of the nurses last time which drove me out the door in the end
If I go back I'll have stay out of trouble and keep my head down
And the last being that going in to treatment puts a huge strain on my family
It's on the other side of the country and it's a long way to travel every week as they would do
My parents have always said that they don't mind but it still plays on my mind
I guess I've a lot of thinking to do
But one things for sure
Something has to change
I'm skating on thin ice
Very thin ice
I was wondering what you think
If you were me would you go back to treatment?
Please give reasons for your answer