Of all the things you lose in a breakup, access to your ex’s facebook may be the worst. If ever there were a reason to “stay friends” this is it.
12:42PM - He likes another girl’s check-in at a restaurant.
Translation: He was obviously cheating on you the entire time.
3:16PM - He posts a photo of his dog and some random brunette leaves a “how cute” comment.
Translation: He was obviously cheating on you the entire time.
9:02AM - He makes a vaguely positive statement about life.
Translation: He was obviously cheating on you the entire time.
The only thing worse than being confronted with such staggering evidence is not having access to it at all– but even if he’s unfriended you, there are still options.
Option A: The Invisibility Cloak
A limited amount of intel can be gleaned from his public profile but beyond amassing a list of women to judge based on the fact they like his recently updated relationship status, this trail will soon run cold.
Option B: The Proxy Stalk
Assuming he hasn’t deleted every last one of your close friends, you can still use their account to infiltrate his personal life. The only drawback is that you must be willing to let your friends see just how low you’ve sunk and that you spend the last 4 hours of every night refreshing his timeline.
Option C: The Fake Family Member
Step 1: Research—Identify all family members on his friend list, stalk their extended family members and create a matrix of any that do not appear to already be friends with your ex. Choose one person who has a relatively public profile from which you can mine data and photos.
Step 2: Groundwork—create an email address using this relative’s name. Do not think about things like identity theft; this is the internet, no one is who they say they are. Use this e-mail address to create a new stalker facebook account with the same name, location, employment history, and photos.
Step 3: Execute— Send your ex a friend request, sit back and wait for him to casually hit “accept” without looking back.
Step 4: Devolve – Do nothing for the next 6 hours as you read every single status and comment, examining each post for clues as to his infidelity and willingness to move on without you.
Step 5: Celebrate—You now have a secret window through which you can watch his every move. When he gets a new girlfriend you’ll be able to painfully track their relationship and point out all her flaws as you lay in an empty bed, getting older.
Step 6: Expand – If it starts to look serious with this new girlfriend then it’s time to go ahead and send her a friend request as well. Try to wait at least 4 days after they start dating. She will think she’s being accepted into the family and you will be able to look through all 4,752 of her photos and let your friends know that she once made a culturally insensitive remark in 2009.
Additional Tips:
DO: Continue to check in on a daily basis—this will support your theory that breaking up with you was the worst decision of his life and that his new girlfriend wears ill-fitting dresses and has weird hands.
DON’T: Forget to log out—Nothing says “WTF” like having one of your selfies show up under his elderly aunt’s facebook account.
DO: Take full advantage of the “Check-In” Feature—If you time it just right and leave your car idling you should be able to show up wherever he is and show him how fabulous and sane you are.
DON’T: Reveal your sources – if you want to send him angry texts at 2AM, feel free. Just be sure not to mention anything you’ve learned from stalking his page.
This information is meant to be taken seriously. The 12-18 months following a breakup are an important time of obsession and misplaced hope. With the help of facebook, this phase can be extended several years, possibly even for the rest of your life. His world is your oyster—now go out and stalk it.
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