The 86th annual Academy Awards was Sunday, and funny lady Ellen DeGeneres fulfilled her hosting duties with her usual wit and aplomb. Ellen is well-known for being a “nice” comedian. She rarely throws jabs or takes potshots at another’s expense, and generally keeps her act pretty clean. But we know that deep inside, there’s a bona fide mean girl just dying to escape. Because no one is that nice all the time. At least not sober.
We bring you what was really going through Ellen’s head regarding fashion and other oddities at this year’s Oscars:
Anna Kendrick
That Anna Kendrick, what a trooper. Poor girl was shot in the stomach 15 times and still managed to walk the red carpet.
Bill Murray
Before the ceremony, an E! reporter asked if I had any pre-show rituals. I told her I like to take a shower and comb my hair. Which is evidently more than Bill Murray does.
Julia Roberts
Now that is one toothy smile. Wait a second, is that Julia Roberts or Donkey from Shrek in Forever 21 formal wear?
Me!!!
Ahhh-hahahahahaha! Reason #28 why it rocks to be a lesbian: I’m at the Oscars wearing sneakers and trousers. You crazy broads are struggling to breathe in binding undergarments while balancing on chop sticks.
Okay, maybe it was poor planning on my part to do the pizza bit in my white tux. Don’t spill, don’t spill, don’t spill!
Johnny Weir
BITCH STOLE MY LOOK. I wore it better, Twinkletoes.
Jared Leto
Another bitch stealing my look! Hey Jared Leto, I called. I want my eyes back.
My Best Idea Ever
And here’s my awesome Oscar selfie that broke the Twitter. It’s got all my favorite peeps – Jennifer, Meryl, Julia, Kevin, Brad… Wait, who the hell is that black guy guy in the glasses with the dark hair behind Bradley Cooper?
Liza Minnelli
Poor, poor Smurfette. Now that she’s 80 and no longer relevant, she’s had to resort to prostitution just to make ends meet.
Here, I’ll take a selfie with her and maybe she can sell it on eBay.
Penelope Cruz
Listen, it is no secret that I’m a fan of the pink. But I have to say it’s kind of a turn-off when it’s all long and drapey like that.
I don’t know who this is, but…
Whoa, that is one tremendous, saggy tit.
Cate Blanchett
Interesting dress, Cate. Sorta reminds me of a chandelier I once bought at a Filipino flea market.
Sally Hawkins
EXCUSE ME WHY DID YOU TAKE MY GRANDMA’S NIGHTGOWN SHE IS GOING TO GET COLD.
Emma Watson
The hell? Why is Emma Watson wearing Christian Bale’s combover from American Hustle?
Charlize Theron
Psst, rumor has it that Charlize has an alcohol problem. And with these two ginormous beer bottles on her boobs, I believe it.
Pharrell Williams
I think Pharrell was confused as to whether he was going to the Academy Awards or a J. Crew picnic. And why’d he kidnap a flight attendant?
Meryl Streep and Pharrell
This looks like the beginning of a porno I do not want to watch.
Lupita Nyong’o
You look stunning, Lupita, really. And your speech? Brought me to tears. Now, could you just lie down for a moment? I’d like to borrow your chest to iron my shirt.
Jennifer Lawrence
Oh, Jennifer Lawrence tripped again. Listen, Jen, this schtick is getting old. Change it up a little – give us a nip slip or something, will you?
Catherine Martin
Uh, this lady won for best costume design? Was the dress a leftover prop from her latest documentary, “Whatever Happened to the Curtains at the Las Vegas Tropicana Circa 1991?”
Whoopi Goldberg
I told Whoopi she was not allowed to come as Captain Jack Sparrow and to put on a gown instead. Evidently, she went for the compromise.