Monday again
Doctor day
It couldn't have come soon enough
It was a frosty morning
So I got up early to pour hot water on my car
And started the engine
Things didn't get off to a good start
When I accidentally closed the car door on my sisters arm
She screamed in pain
Even though it was an accident
I felt terrible
We drove in to town at a snails pace
And arrived late at the doctor's
So my appointment was gone when I arrived
I sat in the waiting room
People watching
About 20minutes later I was called in
I sat in my usual seat
And the doctor sat in his
'How was Christmas?' he asked
'It went fine' I replied
'I survived anyway'
'It must be a difficult time of year for you' he continued
'How did you manage?'
'Well I did purge quite a lot
And I have been weighing myself again'
'You had stopped doing that hadn't you?'
'Yes but it seems to have crept in again
My weight was x pounds
Now it's down to X pounds.
'Oh that's quite a lot he said
That weight is just about ok
But what you were was better
Just try not to lose ant more weight'
'I'll try' I said
Making no commitment
Then we talked about his Christmas
He also said he is going to keep me on 22mls of methadone for a month
I was relieved
As I though he might have wanted to drop it today
I wished him a happy new year
And left
It's true
I have lost a good bit of weight in the last 2 months
About 20 pounds
But to be honest
I can't really notice it
Although I know my family have
When my Dad was here over the holidays
He commented on it too
But I have to say
I am happier to be at this weight
I think this weight is perfect for me
But my weight doesn't always feel in my control
I feel like it happens in spite of me
And the other thing is
As quickly as I put on the weight
I know I can lose it all just as quick
I just need to be careful
I really don't want to go back down the road of being underweight and unwell
I just can't face that
Mentally I am in a good place
My anxiety and depression are kept at bay
I feel happy in myself
I feel strong and capable and able
I don't want to go back to being that weak, scared and sick girl
I can't handle that
I know why I am losing weight though
I always lose weight when I am purging a lot
And I am purging a lot
My BMI is still in the healthy range
But I have gone down three points
And it's all happening so quickly
It's all just so addictive
I wake up in the morning
Excited about what the scale will say
And I get a little buzz when I see the number go down
My clothes feel looser
The coat I bought in September which was tight
Now fits me perfectly
But that's another thing
I bought a lot of new clothes to fit my new size
And they are all now becoming too big
I know this is dodgy ground to be on
And I need to maintain now to be healthy
I just feel a lot better in myself at this weight
It feels more like me
Back in September I felt big and cumbersome
I was so aware of my size
And felt so conspicuous
I need to hold steady now
'Steady the ship' as my doctor says
I know what I need to do
I have relapsed enough times to learn what's what
I am in a good place
I have a loving supportive family
And hopefully I will get to see a counselor in the new year
I want 2015 to be a good year
I have plans
Things I want to do
Places I want to go
People I want to be with
The end of this year clocks up 14 years living this half life
And the years go back so very quickly
I can'r afford to lose any more time to this illness
I won't
I refuse to
I hope all of your Christmases went well
I hope you survived and it wasn't too stressful
We got through it girls
We did it
We didn't think we would
But we did
And we are stronger for it
I wish the best for you this new year
I wish you health and happiness and joy and peace
I was just chatting with A last night
We were talking about how this place we call the blogosphere is such a blessing
To be able to connect with others around the world who are in the same position as us
Blogging is one of the better decisions I have made in recent years
I was reading blogs for a while
And then in April 2012 I started writing my own
I was welcomed with open arms
And have met so many amazing and beautiful girls here
We are suffering
We are fighting hard every single day for a better life
We have mental health issues
We are eating disordered
Our minds and our bodies are broken
We feel a pain that is almost unbearable
We are vulnerable
Afraid
And unsure of this life
Some of us want to disappear
Some of us are holding on by our finger tips
We are white knuckling it
But we keep going
We get up every day
And continue to fight for our lives
It's hard
So freakin' hard
But we refuse to give up
Or give in
We want to survive
Somewhere deep down inside us
We want to live
I know I do
It's just that sometimes death seems like the easier option
For everyone
But we have to keep going
We have to keep putting one foot in front of the other
And keep going
Please remember this
That there is hope
There is always hope where there is life
And also
There is life after ED and mental illness
A better one
A more fulfilled and happier one
I truly believe this
So if you are reading this today
If you feel like lying down and holding up your white flag
Don't give up
Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle
It can and it will happen
Recovery is possible
Living a life free from misery and pain is possible
It has to be
It just has to be
I wish you are yours a very happy new year
And hope that 2015 is your year
Thank you for reading
For commenting
For believing in me
And sending words of love and hope
It means more to me than you will ever know
Happy new year dear friends