Deep Frustration

Disguise our bondage as we will,
‘Tis woman, woman rules us still. -  Isaac Bickerstaff, The Sultan (II,i)

Here’s a letter from a very distraught reader, and my response:

I’m a 24 year old male virgin who couldn’t get laid to save my own life.  I’m in a very bad state of physical health and have severely low testosterone, a small penis and erectile dysfunction; I also have severe social anxiety and many other mental health issues.  I have no friends or social contact of any kind, and hate women with an all-consuming passion; I know this is irrational and mostly due to my complete failure with them, but this does little to quell the rage.  Although I have never been violent towards another human being in my whole life, and I have no doubt that I would never actually hurt a woman, I do have extremely violent fantasies; I don’t mean to freak you out, but I just want to explain myself completely.  At the same time I view women with awe and reverence and never stop thinking about them; I also envy them, which strikes as borderline homosexual.  I’m a severely porn-addicted, chronic compulsive masturbator and my fantasies have devolved into sickening femdom/chastity/cuckolding porn and incest; I can only relate to women as either a pitiful charity case to be coddled like a child, or as a victim to be tormented.  I want so much to get my head strait and respond sexually to things that are healthy; my desire is to be normal.

My feelings toward women in general are magnified with respect to highly sexual women; I abhor them whilst worshiping them, and I’m a reactionary traditionalist who wants to forcibly repress female sexuality and reverse the effects of the sexual revolution.  So for me (and I know how irrational this is), going to a prostitute would be an act of profound surrender, allowing myself to be completely vulnerable to that which I fear more than anything in the world.  Practically, what I think I need is a highly skilled woman who has patience and genuine compassion, somebody who’s had success in working with my kind before.  I watched a documentary called Scarlet Road about an Australian prostitute who works primarily with disabled dudes, and that’s exactly what I’m seeking.  What I’m not sure about, though, is whether I should go to a prostitute now, or else wait six months or so and really try and get my health in order so I could enjoy the experience more.  Since I’ve received very little help from doctors, it might possibly be years before I become healthy again, and I cannot wait that long without experiencing simple human touch and companionship; a healing experience with a talented prostitute might be a catalyst for me to make major changes in my life.  I’d really appreciate your thoughts on the matter.

I have written on a number of occasions about the severe problems which can result from a man’s being deprived of sexual release, and though I do think this has severely aggravated your emotional and mental health I don’t think it’s the major factor.  I’m not a psychiatrist, and even if I were I couldn’t even begin to make a diagnosis based on one email, but I think it’s safe to say that your social anxiety and whatever other issues keep you from having friends are the chief impediments to your happiness.  So though I am going to give you the advice about hiring a pro that you asked for, I also strongly urge you to research and seek out a competent therapist who could help you with the social and psychological problems.  That’s not necessarily going to be easy; there are boatloads of therapists, psychologists, counselors and the like in every city, but most of them are only semi-competent and finding a good one will take work and time unless you’re very fortunate.  It is possible that just finding a companion who will listen to your problems will go a long way toward helping you, but if your situation is as bad as you have painted it you may also need medication and only a doctor can provide that.  While it’s true that psychoactive drugs are overprescribed nowadays, it’s also true that when used properly they can give someone temporary respite from his emotional pain so as to allow him to regroup and get his life back into order.  You wrote that you’ve received little help from doctors for your physical problems; here again, you may just need to keep looking for the right one.  Improvement in your physical health might work wonders for your mental health, probably much more than you suspect.

I’m glad you were honest with me about your anger toward women and fear of female sexuality, and rest assured I am not “freaked out”.  While your feelings are unusual in their intensity, they’re not at all unusual in their character; while I would hesitate to call them typical, I must point out that this kind of love/hate relationship with women is evident in the writings of many men from antiquity to the present and suffuses Western monotheism (and as Camille Paglia points out, inspires an awful lot of art).  It’s the real-life syndrome from which neofeminist myths about “misogyny” and “rape culture” spring, but in actuality it’s simply the wholly predictable result of male sexual frustration.  When thwarted, powerful drives don’t just go away; buried, they rot in the earth and give rise to dark, unwholesome and unlovely things.  A caged tiger paces back and forth unceasingly; a man develops fantasies which may repel or sicken him, and grows to hate the thing which he blames for his condition.  But these are merely surface manifestations conjured up to hide the painful truth:  though you claim to hate and fear whores, you approached an unrepentant harlot for advice in dealing with her sisters.  Please understand that I am not belittling your feelings in any way; after all, you pointed it out yourself.  The only reason I brought it up at all is that I want you to understand that if I really thought you genuinely hated women in general and whores in particular, I wouldn’t be giving you advice on how to locate one for fear you might harm her.

I think your idea of seeking a really dedicated professional who views her work as a calling is a sound one, and I’m happy to tell you that such women exist in virtually every part of the globe (though if you live under a criminalization regime, it will take a little more care and research on your part).  I’m afraid you’re going to have to be very patient; it is imperative that you find the right woman, or else the experience will simply result in even more frustration.  Furthermore, you may not be able to perform the first few times you are with her; the combination of physical factors, frustration, anger, anxiety and everything else will probably prevent it.  You need to go into the early appointments with the attitude that you are just there to talk, to touch and to hold and be held; if you don’t expect intercourse and tell the lady not to expect it either, you can spend the time getting used to being with a naked woman without the fear of ridicule or failure.  One thing of which I can assure you is that absolutely NO professional worth her salt will mock you for your penis size, inability to achieve erection or fearfulness; trust me, we have all seen these things many, many times, and will no more ridicule you for them than a physician would mock you for being ill or a maid insult your dirty carpet.

In summary:  Take your time, as hard as that may be:  research the ladies in your area, find one who seems patient and understanding, explain that you may have difficulties and just want to touch and talk.  Then see her a few times, expecting nothing in particular to happen in any given session; enjoy the journey rather than focusing on a particular destination, and in the meantime do whatever you need to do to improve your health.  As you become comfortable with your escort the psychological and emotional barriers to physical intimacy will erode, and unless it’s physiologically impossible for you to achieve erection you should eventually be able to have intercourse, and thereby begin the process of healing your spirit and moving toward a healthy and fulfilling sex life.