One of the most difficult aspects of recoveryRight from very early recoveryIs dealing with comments about your weight/shape or appearance from others And sometimes We might not even be in recovery when we get these commentsAnd that makes it even more difficultI can only speak for myself But from talking to others And reading your blogsIt seems it's a universal problem for us ED girls
I've been dealing with these comments for yearsAs my weight yo-yoed up and down I can remember being devastated after someone told me I looked wellOr had a complete meltdown after a comment about how I lookedI can remember about this time last yearSomeone commented that I had 'filled out'I had to take some really deep breathes after that one Other comments range from'You look really well''You look great''You've really improved''You have gained weight'And on and on
The thing is That I know that people want to acknowledge that we are in a better placeThey want to acknowledge that we look betterBut the thing isWe might not be in a better placeWe might have gained weight because we are binge eatingWe might be still purging And even if we are in recovery It's dodgy territoryAs I know up until recently When someone told me that I looked wellI immediately equated that in my head to'You've gained weight'The words no self respecting anorectic or bulimic ever wants to hearHearing those words when you are in a fragile state of mind Can really upset usAnd send us straight back in to arms of our ED
In my family My Mother warned everyone years agoNot to comment on my weight or appearanceSo my family is well trained Instead they would compliment my hairOr my outfitOr make upWhich is much easier to takeFor us ED girlsWeight is a very privateVery personal matterWe don't appreciate comments about the one thing we hang our self worth onWe take such comments to heartAlthough I know people don't understand how destructive these comments can be Mary was a great exampleOver the years that I saw herShe never once commented on my weight or appearanceAnd I remember her telling me that she never comments on anyone's weightWhether they have an ED or notI like that philosophy Because you just never know how someone is going to take such a comment
My neighbor called over a couple of days agoA man in his fifties I would say He asked about my healthI said I was in good form He said that I was looking 'exceptionally well'This could have been cause for a complete meltdown But I was able to rationalise it in my headThese people were used to looking at me very underweightAnd now I look differentI look healthy Well My hair is thick and shinyMy skin has a glowMy teeth have been improved beyond recognitionI now take a bit of time and care with my appearance So I guess it's a combination of all these things Not just my weight
As well as weightRecovery changes a lot more about usI look back at photos of me when I was illI have a haunted look about meDead in the eyes PaleGauntNow that I am feeding myself And looking after myself betterThere is a light back in my eyes It's like I've been switched onWhen I was switched off for so long
Another reason why I don't like to focus on weightIs the whole fat and skinny shaming thingIf you are in the UKYou have probably heard about all the flack that Cheryl Cole is getting over her weightPeople are saying that she is too skinnyAnd she is really being harassed Cheryl has hit backSaying that she has been under a lot of stress latelyAnd also that it's not ok to skinny shame someoneThat it's just as bad as fat shaming someone I agree with Cheryl Focusing and commenting on someone's weight is never a good thingI'm sure you've all seen the celebrity magazines Where they discuss who has lost or gained weight The photos of people who have lost weightOr those who have gained weightOr have cellulite Or an extra bit of fatIt's outrageous that these magazines can do this And get away with itShaming someone's body is how eating disorders are born and reinforced
At the moment I have made a kind of peace with the comments that I get about my weight and appearance I can now say thank you for the compliment And don't file it away in my brainTo take out and berate myself with later onI think part of the reason that I am playing around with my look at the moment Is that I don't want to define myself by my weight anymoreI don't want to be known as the 'underweight girl'Or the 'sick one'I don't even want to be known as the 'girl in recovery'I don't want to be defined by anything that pertains to my weight I am now the girl who is living her life in the best way that she knows howI am the girl who likes to look a bit different The girl who is a MaMa to two beautiful dogs The girl who fights every single day to be a better person than the day before The girl who despite what her body looks likeIs a good personI don't want my weight to be tied to my self worth and my self esteem any moreBecause for so long I measured my worth in pounds and ounces I starved Binged And purged my way through my twenties I am determined that my thirties won't be like that
Recovery can not happen without weight restoration If we want to get wellWe have to accept the fact that part of getting well is regaining weight to a healthy rangeFor me My weight re-gain was quite traumatic As it happened incredibly quicklyFaster than my mind could make sense of itBefore I knew it I was a healthy weight In an ideal worldI would have gained it slowly and steadily But like a lot of things in my lifeIt happened almost in spite of myselfRight nowMy weight is one of the highest numbers I have ever seen But for some reasonI am ok with that I'm ok with being healthy Because the pros of it out weigh the cons by a hell of a lotWith a healthy body comes a healthy mind A clear mind I'm not willing to sacrifice my sanity for a low weight any more
I can remember being in treatment Obviously I was encouraged by staff and my family to gain weightAt a rate of 1kg a weekBut I just couldn't get my head around this Weight gain was a fate worse than death in my mind I just couldn't do itCouldn't even consider it But nowNow than I have come out the other side I have to tell you that it's one of the best things I have ever done I swear I didn't realize how shitty I felt until I started to feel better I had become so used to feeling awfulThat it had become normalNow I know what it feels like to truly feel good I can only hope that my experience will go some way to helping othersTo helping you my beautiful blogging friendsIt's all very well your doctor Or your family telling you that weight restoration is essentialBut when someone who has been there tells you It holds more weight I thinkBecause that person has been thereExperienced itAnd lived it
As I have often said As quickly as things can go belly upThey can also turn around just as quickly In AA they say that if you follow the programme You will be amazed before you are halfway through That you will know a new kind of peace As well as the 12 steps There are also 12 promises Things that are guaranteed to happen if you stay clean and sober And work the programme Things like You will now know how to handle situations that used to baffle you For me Recovery has enriched my life beyond wordsMy life has changed beyond recognition And I am eternally grateful for that I just want youth know that it is possible for you too It's right there You just have to reach out and grab itIn the rooms They say that the first times you embark on recovery it is a giftThe second time you work for itFor meThis has been true But no matter how many times I slipped or relapsed My recovery was always there It will always be there Always
Please remember that it is never too lateNever You can do this Heck if I can get well Then anyone can And you deserve itGod knows we have suffered enoughAnd if you don't believe in yourself Let us believe in you until you doYour life is too precious to waste on this cruel illness You are worth much much more I promise you that