I only realised last night That Sunday's are not included in the A-Z challengeI did C yesterday So I will take today offAnd just do a regular post
I'm just out of the doctors And sitting in the pharmacy waiting for my medsToday's topics included Horse riding Michaela MC Collumb, the Irish girl caught smuggling drugs back in 2013 who has just been released from prison in PeruMore of which later And methadone For the last few weeks My doctor has been talking about reducing it And every week I've come up with a different excuse not toBut today I was all out of excuses And so it was reduced from 26mls - 24mls Not a lot I know But as the amount gets smaller and smaller I worry Not that I ever notice the dropIt's more psychological than anything I am now almost at the point I was two years ago Back in 2014 I was down to 22mlsAnd I panickedSo asked my doctor to increase itHe increased it to 34mlsAnd it's only now Two years later That I am almost back down to 24 mls As you know I have been on methadone for 11 years nowEvery morning for the last decade I have taken it first thing every morningEvery Monday I have seen my doctor It has become part and parcel of my lifeJust another part of my daily routine I can't lie I am nervous and anxious and afraid to think about life without methadoneEven though that is a long way offIt still scares me I would much rather come off my tablets first But I have to trust that my doctor knows what he is doing I guess I need to learn That I can handle life without relying on a substance Because up until now I have always believed thatThat I am not strong enough to handle life on life's termsI guess I need to see for myself that I can manage without a drug or a drink
I saw Breda this morning also I was very close to cancelling As I didn't really feel like going But I know when I start thinking like that I am in dodgy territory So I went I told her what's been happening recentlyAbout the course I have put my name down for Which is the local women's centreIt's communications and ITAnd it runs two afternoons a week for a year It sounds like a great course And the women's center is a lovely placeSo the next thing on my agenda Is to find out about the jobAnd if it's still happening I am on a disability payment And can only work a certain amount of hours each weekSo I need to find out about that Hopefully I will be able to do everything But if I have to stop somethingI'm afraid it will be the jobBut I still have some time to sort things out So watch this space
It was great to see Breda And to tell her about all the positive things that are happeningI feel like I am the most stable that I have been in yearsEven my ED is somewhat under controlThe purging is at a minimum I'm not weighing myself And more importantly not caring what I weigh My clothes fit My skin, hair and nails are healthy I feel good Neither underweight or overweight I'm sleeping wellI wake up in the morning excited for the dayI feel alive I feel positive and hopeful for the future I feel like i am living Rather than existing Enjoying life Rather than enduring itLife is good And that is an amazing thing to be able to say So It's onwards and upwards from here Things are really coming together for me The jigsaw pieces are falling in to place And the picture that is my life is becoming clear With help from a small army of help and supporters I am finding my way Finding out who I amWhat I am all about I feel like I might have a shot at having a good life A happy life That's all I want To feel ok in my own skinTo be able to lay my head down at night Knowing I did my best that day to be a good personAnd not hurt myself or anyone else I am slowly but surely putting my life back together I really think I can do this I think I can be a good and honest person I've come a long way And it's taken years to finally figure out what I want And where I want to goBut I am getting there Great strides start with baby steps And my baby steps are happening One at a time