Day 1 went well
I was motivated and determined to kick bulimia's ass
I managed to get through the day without purging
However I didn't manage to eat 3 meals and I mostly ate biscuits
Day 2 went a bit better
Again I managed not to purge and managed to eat a small portion of chicken stir fry
The first meal I've eaten and kept down in a long time
I didn't weigh for the first 2 days but yesterday morning curiosity got the better of me
I felt like I had gained and I wanted to reassure myself that I hadn't put on 10 pounds
Not quite 10 pounds but I did gain almost 4 pounds
4 freakin' pounds
In 2 days?
What the.......?
I bypassed disappointment and upset and went straight to anger
Raging, feel like I'm gonna explode, steam coming out my ears anger
Anger for trying to do the right thing and being slapped in the face
Anger at Mary for wanting me to gain weight
But most of all angry with myself for caring what the scale says
Realistically I know that part of that gain is rehydration but that was of little comfort
I sat down with a cigarette and tried to make sense of the gain
I don't know why but I seem to lose weight when I binge and purge and seem to gain when I eat normally
I tried to talk myself out of it but before I knew it, I was in my car driving to the shop
The feelings I felt reminded of when I relapsed on drugs
I know I shouldn't be doing this but I can't stop myself
As I was driving I kept thinking to myself, 'It's not too late, no damage done yet, I can still turn around and go home'
I had butterflies in my stomach, just like when I used to get drugs
I knew I would regret this but I feel powerless to stop myself
At this point I should've rang someone
I should have reached out and asked for help
But all I could think of was 4 pounds
4
Fucking
Pounds
I kept driving
I was driving like a maniac
Like the raging bulimic that I am
I parked outside the shop
Tried to calm myself down
And walked in trying to look half normal
I got what I needed and started for home
'It's still not too late' I thought to myself
I can still stop this and turn this day around
I got home and started to prepare my first binge
It all felt so wrong
I already felt guilty and I hadn't even taken a bite yet
Even as the pasta was cooking I knew I could still stop
But I felt I was on auto pilot
Bulimia was in charge now
She had taken over and once she starts there is no stopping her
I ate the pasta quickly
I inhaled it
It didn't taste good
I didn't enjoy it
It was a means to the end
I just wanted to feel the relief of it leaving my stomach
Still chewing the last mouthful, I made my way to the bathroom
'It's still not too late' I thought
I don't have to do this
But I did it
And God forgive me, it felt good
Then the guilt hit me
Hit me hard
I couldn't deal with the feelings so I binged and purged again
And again
And again
By this stage I just said 'Fuck it'
I spent the day marching between the kitchen and the bathroom
I have a path worn by now
I used enemas too
I just wanted to feel empty
I achieved that anyway
So today is Monday
A new day
A fresh start
A chance to wipe the slate clean
To put yesterdays mistakes in the past
I weighed this morning and lost 2 pounds
I feel slightly relieved
Today Operation Freedom is back on track
I could beat myself up for yesterday but what would that achieve
I'll learn from it and move on
Heck if I gave up everytime I hit a hurdle I would never get anywhere
So what have I learned?
I've learned that slips happen
It's part and parcel of addiction and ED's
I've learned not to say 'Fuck it' and let one slip ruin my whole day
I've learned that it's probably not a good idea to weigh everyday
That I need to look at my weight over a period of time and not day to day
I've learned that no matter how I try to get around it, I have to gain weight if I want to recover
And it's not so much the weight gain itself that upsets me, it's what the weight gain stands for
When you define yourself by your ability to lose weight, then any gain is like a failure
It feels like I'm losing control
At this weight I feel protected
It's hard to explain but I feel safe
Gaining weight means I'm exposed
Vulnerable
It means that I'm normal
Average
Just another girl
Being small sets me apart form people
I was doing some reading last night about procrastination and it said that a lot of the time people are more afraid of success than they are of failure
The thinking being that if I succeed then more will be expected of me
That's exactly how I feel
If I gain weight and try to recover then people will have expectations of me to do more
And what if I'm not able to do more?
What if I try to recover and fall flat on my face?
It's safer and more comfortable to be in a place where I'm 'sick' and people don't expect much from me
People leave me alone
The thought of getting a job terrifies me
The thought of going to college scares the shit out of me
The only thing that I am an expert on is addiction and ED's
If I was a contestant on Mastermind, they would be my specialist subjects
These are things that I really need to work on
Self confidence
Self worth
Self esteem
Believing in myself
I guess this is why taking baby steps works
You set yourself small and manageable goals
When you meet your goal, you feel good and it gives you the confidence to make a slightly bigger goal
So today I'm fighting back
My ED got so angry with me for gaining
But she is angry because she is afraid
She can see I mean business and she is worried that she is getting weaker
I often think that recovering from an ED is like trying to tame a wild animal
You can manage it and tame it
But there is always the possibility that it will bite you
My ED tried to bite me yesterday
And yes she did take a chunk out of me but today my bite is healing and I feel strong again
I know only too well that this process is often 2 steps forward and 1 step back
The trick is to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going
Keep fighting
Keep trusting
Keep believing
And most importantly keep hoping
If you are struggling today, try to remember this
We are not perfect
And recovery is not about perfection
If you are looking for that you will be bitterly disappointed
It's about positive changes
Growing
Finding freedom from this cruel illness
It's a trial and error process
We find out the hard way what helps us and what hinders us
Slips and relapses happen
It's how we deal with them that counts
We can lie down and hold up our white flag
Or we draw a line and move on
Acknowledge the slip
Learn from it
And continue to fight
I could beat myself up over yesterday
But what would that achieve?
Absolutely nothing
So remember we can fight back
We can take control of our lives
Sometimes it feels impossible
But I believe it is possible
It has to be
It just has to be
'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference'
See, I am drinking the Ensures!