I'm in the mood to complain So please bear with me I'm struggling a lot at the momentWith my appearance My weightMy shape My face My hair EverythingI just feel really ugly FatMonstrous Gigantic I feel like I have no redeeming features at the momentMy face is pale and puffyMy hair is grey, limp and lifelessMy scalp has been attacked by a bout of psoriasis Meaning it looks like it's snowing from my headAnd the medication for it makes my hair horribly greasy I've stopped tanningSo my color is rapidly fading So all in allI feel like a big fat heffalump
Trying to find something to wear of a morningIs becoming increasingly difficult and stressfulI try on item after itemAnd I feel like it just doesn't suit meDoesn't fit me properly Or it makes me look fatI just can't seem to win these days
I know looks aren't everythingI know that what counts is on the inside But when you feel so uglyThat Is of little consulation I accepted a long time agoThat I would never be one of the beautiful onesAt my best In good lighting And with a good dollop of make upI am something approaching prettyIn a kind of girl next door kind of wayBut beautiful?No That was never me And I've accepted that I never will be And that's okIt just means I've had to develop a personality And often that can take you further than beauty
I am not And have never been a girly girlI've always been something of a TomboyI didn't play with dolls growing upI didn't covet pretty dresses I preferred to play in the fields around our house Yes, I did balletBut our teacher was never conventional And we did all sorts of dancing Not just your tu-tu type of dancing I've also always been slimBeing a competitive swimmer and dancer I was always pin thinEven though at the time I thought my thighs were hugeI look back on photos And I see I was wonderfully petite It's a pity I couldn't enjoy it at the time
I can remember when I gave up dancing I had heard that when you stopped dancing Your muscles turned to fat And was even told it had happened to a certain girl I was terrified And it was part of the reason I started smoking To control my weight Thinking backI can see that I was weight and shape conscious from an early age Being in ballet attire And a swimming suit a lot of the timeMy body was on showAnd I was very aware of that I can remember my ballet teacher told me once That I was becoming too thinAnd losing too much weight I can remember being secretly pleased Of course I didn't really need to worry about my weight when I was so active I trained before schoolAfter school Then ballet The gym Running I was always on the go But even when I gave up all the activity I still remained slimIt wasn't until I left home That I put on a few pounds But no where near over weight I remember I was eating a breakfast roll for lunch And pasta for dinner everyday With no exercise So I did become a little round and rotund But again I lost it as quickly as I put it onThen came the drug years I literally ate nothing at this time And the weight fell off me I really looked like a typical drug addict Under weight Pale Huge black eyes Sunken cheeks And a haunted look on my face At the time I had no idea that I was so thinBut I do remember that not eating made me feel goodSo in reality I think my ED started probably a lot sooner than the age I thought it didI always say that it started when I was 19But if I am honest It started a lot earlier than thatAt least the thinking and the behaviours did My teenage years laid the ground work for a very serious EDSince the age of 19My weight has fluctuated wildlyEven to this day My weight changes on a daily basis Over the years My BMI has gone from 13 to 23 And back again Over and over I have no idea what my weight is nowAs I just can't bring myself to weighI did lose some weight on holidays But it seems that I have quickly put it back onAnd then some I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin at the moment I'm constantly changing and adjusting my clothes And buying new clothesIn an attempt to make myself feel betterBut of course That is just another addictionAn item of clothing can't mend the way I am feeling I know I need to work from the inside outI need to like And love myself as a personBefore I like the outside I'm doing my best to be a good person To do the right thingAnd to be the best person I can be But it's hard to feel good when you can't look at yourself in the mirror without cringing And feeling so horribly grotesque I compare aswellI look at other girls They seem so together So confident and coolAnd I just feel like a bumbling, awkward 34 year old Who neither feels or looks her age I still feel like a gangly teenagerWho has not quite grown in to their face or body I can't remember the last time I felt pretty I know it was a long time ago I've looked back over the photos of TurkeyAnd I've had to delete so so many And leave the ones that I can just about tolerate I'm tired of hating myself I just don't have the energy anymoreI'm not asking for much I don't want to be a supermodel Or skinny I just want to feel ok to be me I want to be able to put on an outfit in the morning Look in the mirror And feel content with what I seeI don't want to try on every item in my wardrobe And still not be able to find something that makes me look nice Of a day I might change my clothes 3 or 4 times Constantly looking through my clothes To see if they fit If they look ok It's exhausting I don't want to hate on myself anymoreIt's very hard to be in recovery And feel so awful about myself I'm supposed to feel good now that I am recovering I'm supposed to accept and like my body a lot more But I don'tSo where do I go from here?
WellI guess I acknowledge that my appearance is only a very small part of meIRuby Am a whole person My weight and appearance are just the shell that incases who I really amBut even stillIt's important for me to feel comfortable in my own skin To feel like I present wellAnd look the best that I canIt's tough at the moment As I look in the mirror And I hate what I see Hate is a strong word But it's appropriate in this instance I hate the way I look
I'm hoping that this is a phase A bump in the road that is recovery I know us ED girls struggle a lot with these things Especially in recovery When our bodies are changing so much I'm not going to let these feeling get the better of me I will continue to fight against my ED And my hatred of myself I will carry on with the work I am doing With being a good person Being a survivor of anorexia and addictionReally I should be glad that I have a body at allAfter what I've put it through I should be grateful that I am here at all And should love every inch of myself It doesn't come to me easily thoughHate comes more naturally to me I will keep fighting though I will keep believing that this will improve That my core beliefs about myself will change They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder I wonder any one could find me attractive And have all but given up hope that I will find someone to share my life withBut I will make the best of my situationI will make the most of what I've got What is the alternative? Lie down and give upNoThat's not my style
With all that said I was wondering about youDo you ever feel this wayLike you can't stand yourself?Do you struggle with liking the way you look?Do you find that you measure your worth in the way you look?How do you deal with this?Does it effect other areas of your life?I'd love to know....