I've been up since 6amAs my mother was catching an early morning flight to LondonMy sister is also away for a few days this weekend So I will be home aloneIf we can at all help itWe try and not have me here alone for any prolonged period of timeI know it sounds sillyI mean I'm a 34 year old womanAnd it's not that I have trouble looking after myself or the house It's the fact that when I am on my ownMy mind tends to wanderAnd I could very easily get myself in to troubleLike nowKnowing that I will be here alone My mind goes to dark placesAnd my mischievous side comes out I think about the things I could get up toI could smoke DrinkGet out of my face on various substances Sometimes I get such a craving To get out of my mindOff my head To check off the planet And completely zone outTo go on the nodSlipping in and out of consciousness
I know that cravings are part and parcel of recovery Anyone who has a tendency for escapism deals with themUsually I get a craving after experiencing a triggerA song A smellAn item It could be anything Euphoric recall I think they call itFor instance at my mothers retirement doBeing in a barThe stress of the speech Feeling a bit self conscious All added up to my having a drinkI've been told by countless therapists that I can't drinkBut I don't think I fully accept thatI want to be able to drink I want to have a glass of wine with dinner A bottle of beer at nightBut the thing is Even though alcohol was not my primary addictionI still have the perpensity to spin out of controlYes I might have been ok one nightAnd only had two drinks But that was only because I was on my best behaviour I know I could take a notionBuy a bottle of vodkaAnd drink it all at home I know if I allow myself one drinkOne is too many And a thousand never enough
Smoking is a funny oneAs you know I was a dedicated smokerA 30 a day girlI loved nothing more than a cup of tea and a smoke I did my best thinking over a cigaretteBut I just couldn't afford them anymore They had to go I can't lie I do miss them But I don't get huge cravings for oneI could go a whole day without even thinking of one It's like that part of my brain has been reprogrammed I've iften heard it said that cigarettes are harder to give up than heroin Well I can categorically tell you that that is utter horse shitHeroin was by far more difficult to give upI never stole to get money for smokesI never tore a room apart looking for a bag of gearI didn't go in to severe physical withdrawal when I stopped smoking My body didn't crave a smoke like it craved heroinOh no Smoking was no near as difficult to give up
I get strange urges from time to time Like when I am walking the cliff walk with the dogs I get a massive urge to jumpAnd sometimes I'm afraid that I really will do it I've been in my carAnd put my foot down on the accelerator Daring myself to drive in to the nearest wallOr go so far that the car spins out of controlI've had urged to break my fingers and toes To put a hot iron on my skinTo throw myself from the top of the stairs Or walk out bin front of a carThe other day I had a huge urge to delete my blog And stop writing altogetherI though that I was just writing drivel That I was a bad personAnd hurt peopleAnd always said/wrote the wrong thing I feel like I'm always putting my foot in it And here in our little corner of blogger A lot of people here are fragileAnd I need to remember that
I go back to the original title of this blogAnd then she disappearedEven though I have since changed it to and then she recoveredThe original title still holds meaning for meI still get huge urged to disappear From my blogFrom the Internet From my life From this earthI'm not sure why I just don't always feel like I want to be here At this point I must say Please don't worry about me writing this I am perfectly fine Just feeling a little maudlin and sad todayAnd that's okI had an amazing day yesterday And I think I am on a bit of a come down today
I'm not going to do anything silly I'm not feeling suicidal Or anything like itThese feelings and thoughts are normal for me I deal with them all the timeI gues sometimes I question myself and my lifeAnd even this blogI question why I am writing Is it for me?For my own ego?Is it to help others?Or maybe both?All I know is that I love writing this blog And I love you my fellow bloggersThis blog has been there for me in my darkest hour And also to celebrate my recovery I feel drawn to itI feel compelled to writeEven if no one was reading I think I would still write Because it helps meIt warms my heartAnd lightens my burdenAnd fills my soul It's an amazing thing To have a head full of noiseTo sit down and write and write And come to the endAnd my mind is quietThere are very few things that have that effect on me And writing is definitely one of them
I am so grateful to have this blog And you as my dear friendsIt's no exaggeration to say that my online social life is more active than my real life social life We something special here on bloggerIn something as isolating as an EDWe have found friendship and solace in each other We have found acceptance and unconditional love Understanding and valuable advice I know a lot of people think that these kind of blogs are not healthyOr helpful at all Maybe that's because we accept someone's choice if they choose not to recoverYou know when I first embarked on recoveryI worried that I wouldn't have a place in this community anymore I was even warned by others that I would be rejected by people here But I have in fact found the opposite My choices and decision have been acceptedAnd even celebrated And I am eternally grateful for that
I'm writing this blog now over three years I often go back an read old posts It's amazing to have almost every day documented And I also notice all the bloggers who have disappeared over the years Do you remember Rayya?The Lively BonesEmilyWinter Peridot Thinderella who vanished off the face of the earth And more recently Mandy (R)oxyskinnyI think of these girls often We were part of the fabric of each other's lives I wonder what happened to them Did they recover?Did they find that they didn't need this community anymore? Did they go in to hospital/treatment?Did they die?I wish I knew As they all had a special place in my heart I have it set up that if something happened to me Then my sister or Mother can log in to my blogger account And let you all know As much as I would like to disappear sometimes I would hate to leave you all wondering what happened to me I cherish our community And hope to preserve it Hope to welcome in new bloggers And continue to support the regulars
With all that said I was wondering about youDo you know what happened to any of these bloggers? How do you feel about our community at the moment?Do you feel our community helps one another?Do you have any new blogs you would like to share?Is love to know...