Breaking Up: How to Make “No Contact” Work!

Everyone who’s been dumped knows just how hard it can be, how horrible it can feel. However it is also often the case that the instigator, the one doing the breaking up, can have a very difficult time as well. Especially in cases where there has been bullying or abuse. Relationships may need to end for very good reasons, however months or years of shared experience can make it incredibly hard to see our soon-to-be-ex partner in pain as we break the news and follow through. Because of this, a period of No Contact may be required in order to let time pass and allow the pain to heal.

When we are constantly bombarded by calls, emails, texts, social media notifications and even in person visits, it makes it so much harder to stick to our guns and stay strong. Every person has the right to request a period of No Contact during a breakup, or indeed to ask that they are never contacted again! And every person has an ethical (and in the case of a restraining order, a legal) responsibility to respect your need for No Contact.

When Do You Need to ask for No Contact?

* If you are trying to pull yourself out of an abusive or bullying relationship you should definitely make it clear to your ex that you need a period of No Contact in order to heal from the end of the relationship. Bullies, abusers and psychos will really show their colors when you enforce your boundaries by asking that they do not contact you. They’ll do anything to get back in so watch out, and use their disrespectful and unethical behavior as a reminder of why you are ending it in the first place!

* Even if the person you are ending the relationship with is a perfectly reasonable, decent human being, you still have the right to ask for a period of zero contact in order to heal and move on. If they are kind and respectful they will have no problem honoring your request and will get on with their own healing in a responsible manner.

* Any case where the person being broken up with will not let it go and will not allow you to move on.

How Do You Ask For No Contact?

So you’ve decided to break up, or are in the process of doing it, how do you broach the subject in a way that works? The best way, in my opinion, is via email. Even if you’ve been talking about the break up over a period of days or weeks, No Contact talks are best done via email, in a formal and measured manner. A example might go something like.

“Hi______

I’ve listened to and taken seriously everything you’ve had to say, but I need to tell you that I still want to end this relationship.

Now I am asking you for a period of no contact (3/6/8 months, or indefinite, whatever you need or want to say) in order to rest, heal and move on. I will read one last email from you but after that I will not be responding to any calls, texts, emails, letters or any other form of contact until I am ready and wish to get back in touch.

Please respect my no contact wishes. I need time and space to heal, to think and to move on, and I wish you the best in doing the same.

Take care.

______”

Obviously you would write it in your own style and add or remove things in accordance with your needs. It is, however, important to remain calm and write in a fairly formal manner. If you are dealing with an unpredictable, dangerous or disrespectful person it’s a good idea to have a record of you asking for no contact in a calm and decent manner should things escalate later on. If you are dealing with a bully, abuser or otherwise manipulative psycho it might be an idea to add something like this:

“If you do not respect my request for privacy and continue to try to contact me I will consider taking more serious measures including involving the police.”

In most cases this won’t be necessary but always remember that you have that option there if you need it and you are always within your rights to ask for no contact no matter what anyone says!

No Contact, What Now?

So you’ve requested a period of No Contact, what do you do now? Well that depends on how the other person reacts. If you hear nothing from them for days and then weeks, just go about your life and move on. Spend time with friends and family and allow yourself to heal. Stay off social networking sites where you might read the other person’s conversations. And most importantly, be sure to stick to your no contact commitment yourself. You need to give yourself time and distance to be able to make the best decisions. Don’t be tempted into back sliding, no matter what you read or hear from their friends or anyone else. Take your time. If it’s written in the stars then what will a few months of no contact matter in the long run after all?

Now if a few days or weeks pass and suddenly the other person is trying to reach you again, you know it’s not going to be simple. But there is some good news! If the person is trying desperately to get back into your life after you made it clear that you need time and space, it proves that your concerns about the relationship were well founded. Balanced, healthy, empathetic and respectful human beings have the ability to give others space and respect the rights of others, even if they don’t agree with their decision. Those who cannot respect your boundaries, those who consistently flaunt your requests for basic needs like time and space during a breakup will continue to be a problem should you back slide and start it up again with them. You must see their inability to give you what is your right as vindication. In practical terms it’s time to take things up a notch. You might want to close down some of your social networking profiles, change your phone number, change your locks (if they have a key), alert friends and family that you are going through no contact and this person is not respecting it, and in serious cases contact the police.

Why No Contact is important

It’s impossible to think clearly and without passion and emotion during a break up, no matter what side you find yourself on. That’s why a period of No Contact can be so crucial. Break ups happen for a reason, because at least one partner thinks there is something wrong. They must be given time and space if it’s asked for in order to heal and move on, to be sure that they have made the right choice. There is always time to get back together if it’s really meant to be, but everyone deserves time and space to think and heal.

Every single person has the right to request a period of no contact, and no one has the right to force themselves into another person’s life. Break ups are tough for everyone, but a well organised period of No Contact can make things a lot easier, and stop it from dragging on for weeks or months.

I hope these steps prove useful for you. I’ve used them myself and have seen them work well for others

Thanks for reading, all the best!

Rohan. in the Dark!