I didn’t, because I wasn’t at ease.
I remember our frequent visits to the psychiatric hospital to visit our son and had an appointment with his doctor. On one occasion, I was so upset by what the doctor had said, that I needed to go to the toilet, but … how could I leave my husband and son and maybe miss something important that transpired? So, I must have been squirming on my chair when the doctor asked me whether I was particularly upset that day. Then I blurted out; ‘Not more than usual but I HAVE to go to the toilet,’ and I fled.
When speaking to someone, If I leaned forward slightly, it showed that I was actively listening, but, if I leaned away, that was a signal that I was disinterested in the conversation.
If I crossed my arms, it was a visual clue that I was turned off by what was going on around me. But, if I hung my arms comfortably at my sides or let my hands lie loosely in my lap, it told the other person that I was open to hearing what he/she had to say. Folding my hands loosely in my lap made me seem more credible and assured.
A handshake is one of the most important nonverbal communication cues as it can set the mood for the entire conversation. A firm handshake, not a crushing one, gives one instant credibility – while a weak handshake makes one appear fragile.
I knew that it was advisable to make direct eye contact although there was no need to stare. I read somewhere that it was a good idea to remember to blink and look away occasionally. Good eye contact shows interest in the conversation. At the hospital I was upset and not always interested but I kept the body language rules I’d read in my mind all the time. I was probably afraid that the doctor would think that I was the problem even though in my heart of hearts I knew that I was not because no one can cause schizophrenia. This is worth repeating:
NO ONE CAN CAUSE S C H I Z O P H R E N I A.
No one can cause s c h i z o p h r e n i a.
It was a good idea to show empathy with simple actions of agreement like a nod of my head or a smile. Those actions let the medical staff know that I was on my son’s side and that I was able to identify with his plight.
Taking notes on paper or on an iPad let the staff know that I valued what they were saying and that I was engaged in the conversation – even though I wasn’t always. Taking notes is not appropriate in every situation. I had to use my judgment.
If I felt that I was talking too fast, I took a deep breath – held it for a second or two then let it out. I always focused on slowing down my speech and body movements. I thought that it made me appear more confident and contemplative. It also helped calm me down when I felt nervous which I nearly always did in the company of psuchiatric professionals.
I always endeavored not to glance at the wall clock the way psychologists and psychiatrists do, as this signaled that I did not really want to be present. Of course I didn’t but I had to keep those appointments in the hospital, now didn’t I? If I looked at the floor or the ground, it told people that I was either shy or disinterested.
We all have the odd itch that needs scratching but touching one’s face repeatedly shows dire nervousness. So does picking at things – whether it is at clothes, a notebook or one’s fingernails. It was far better to leave them alone as this demonstrated boredom and disapproval.
If I sat on the edge of my chair, it communicated that I was literally on edge both mentally and physically. It was far better to sit back. Leaning into a conversation made me appear engaged.
I made an effort not to tap my fingers, my feet or even my pen as that would have indicated impatience or signs of stress.
I was told to place items that I needed to the side of me because if they were in front of my body, it might have indicated shyness or resistance and that was not the picture I wanted to paint. Of course all of this had become quite natural by this time. I’d had ample practice by then.
I knew that it was important to be situated close to the other person but not too close as that might have made him/her feel uncomfortable.The other person would have known instinctively if I were faking a smile. A true smile comes from within. If I needed to smile, I thought of a happy memory.
To this day I am aware of body language all the time – both mine and that of others as it allows me to learn a whole lot about people.