It's been over three years now since I first started writing this blogIt has been one of the better decisions I have made in recent timesFrom the start My blog has been a life line A strong support It has saved my life And my sanity many timesOften my blog is the one place that I am entirely honestAnd with that in mind I need to make a confessionSo here goes
First I should say That recovery is about progress not perfectionBut lately I've been feeling like a fraud in regards to my drug addictionWith my ED I think I can safely say that I am in recoveryI am weight restored My thinking and behaviours are markedly improved Yes I do still purge the odd time But it's not a daily occurrence any moreWhen it used to be up to 15 times a daySo I think I'm about as good as I'mGoing to get in that regard But my addictionWell that is kind of a gray area at the moment It's trueI'm not using heroinOr any illegal drugBut I am on quite a hefty amount of prescription medicationIncluding methadone And various othersAnd people I have to confessThat I am not taking them properly In fact I don't think I have ever taken them properlyI take them to suit myself If I have a busy day I won't take anyAnd if I have I quiet dayI will overuse themTo escapeTo get out of my own head To check off the planet for a whileTo zone out I plan it do I will only go one day without medsAnd the rest of the days are spent drifting in and out of sleepI know It's not goodIf I was braver I would talk to my doctorOr to Breda But I'm not at that point yetBecause the thing isMy drugs are handed to me every weekThey are legal The are meant for meI'm supposed to take themSo where is the problem?I know myself that this is not good It's almost as good as using As I am taking And abusing mild altering drugs
I really need to get my s**t together thoughBecause on Tuesday I am traveling to Turkey with my familySo I really don't want to sleep my way through that weekThe thing is though That even when I take my meds properly They still make me groggy When I was in Belfast during the summerI really struggled to stay awakeAnd missed out on a lot So on this holidayI am determined to be alert and bright
Obviously I can't not take the methadone I need that one But I can pare back the other meds The olanzapineAnd the anti depressantsSo I think I will take them PRNWhen and if I need them
So yesOn Tuesday we travel to Turkey I am excited But also worriedAs it will be hot there And I will be getting my arms and legs outThis is why I've been tanning So I feel a little bit better bareing allThis is where I need your help
Have any of you gone on holiday this year?Either while actively in your EDOr in recoveryHow did you manage?What got you through?Do you have any tips for me?I really need help with this one...