Everything is blurry. I’m sweaty, clammy, and cold. My throat aches, and I can’t breathe out of my nose. My whole body aches and exhaustion is setting in. My vision clears, and I see a big, bald head looking down on me. A metal mask covers his face, everything except his dark emotionless eyes. He stares at me.
“Why didn’t you just kill me?” I asked. I feel like dying anyway.
“You don’t fear death…You welcome it! Your punishment must be more severe.” He answers through his mask, his voice distorted from the machinery around his face.
I can barely respond my throat hurts so much. “Torture…,” I breathe out.
“Yes,” he answers, still staring, “but not of your body…of your soul.”
“Where am I?” I ask. I look around and it’s dark and underground. I am in a jail cell, lying on a flat hard mattress. I look out through the bars and see hundreds more barred cells set inside the stone walls. They make a horseshoe around the pit and are staked onto each other going half way up the wall. The cells go around except for a section where it’s just rocks jutting out all the way up.
“Home,” he answers, “where I learned the truth about despair, as will you. There’s a reason why this prison is the worst hell on earth… Hope. Every man who has ventured here over the centuries has looked up to the light…,” he points up to where the ceiling should be, but it’s just an opening hundreds of feet up. We are in a giant pit, that, if able, a man could climb out of. “…and imagined climbing to freedom. So easy… So simple… And like shipwrecked men turning to sea water from uncontrollable thirst, many have died trying. I learned here that there can be no true despair without hope. So, as I terrorize your column, I will feed your readers hope to poison their souls. I will let them believe they can survive without your column so that you can watch them clamoring over each other to get your latest opinions about sports and pop culture. You can watch me torture your entire following and when you have truly understood the depth of your failure, we will destroy your blog and then, when it is done and Don and Jerry’s is ashes, then…. you have my permission to die.”
He leaves and I am alone. I begin to sweat as my fever rises, or maybe it’s anger that causes my internal temperature to rise. Either way, the sweat dots my face and runs down my nose as I sit up. My back aches with every movement, and I cough pathetically. I get up, and make my way across the jail cell. My legs scream in agony and my feet sting against the cold floor. I see a box on the other side of my cell and I open it up. Inside is a bottle of water, a bottle of NyQuil, and a box of Alka Seltzer Cold.
I take some NyQuil, put the Alka Seltzer in the bottle of water and chug until it’s all gone.
“I can’t leave them to die.”
I step out of the cell, walk over the section of wall with no cells. I look up to the light hundreds of feet away. I look back down at the first moist rock in front of me. I grasp it, pull myself up, and begin the climb.
The amateur sports writer rises.
I’m sorry that I missed the column last night. I will try my best to never have that happen again. I’m back, and better than ever. So, last night’s game is one for the loss column, but I’m back tonight with a special Batman edition of predictions.
Cardinals @ Vikings-
Young Minnesota fan: “Adrian? Adrian Peterson? Why’s he running dad?”
Old Minnesota fan: “Because they have to chase him.”
Young Minnesota fan: “But, he was hurt bad last year, why is he playing?”
Old Minnesota fan: “Because he’s the hero the Vikings deserve, and the one they need right now. So, we’ll rely on him. Because he can take it. He’s not our running back. He’s our team captain. A reliable star. A franchise player.”
The Vikings are a legitimate playoff team in the NFC, but the Cardinals with their hurt quarterback, and unreliable offense, now with no running backs, will have a tough task against this good Vikings’ defense.
Pick: Vikings
Cowboys @ Panthers-
Steve Smith to Cam Newton: “You’ve won offensive rookie of the year…Now you must travel inward…to your potential…it’s inside you…there is no turning back. Our bad season last year wasn’t your fault. Your training is nothing. The will is everything. If you make yourself more than just a man, if you devote yourself to an ideal, you become something else entirely. Are you ready to begin?”
The Panthers have been the biggest disappointment for me so far this year, and Cam Newton is right up there. The Cowboys are everybody else’s biggest disappointment, but I can’t say I’m surprised. So, now two big disappointments clash this weekend. I expect the Panthers to come out on top.
Pick: Panthers
Saints @ Buccaneers-
Drew Brees: “Look. Listen… I know why you choose to stay home [clears throat] and watch the game on TV. I know why you’re afraid to come to our games. The Commissioner . See Roger Goodell has shown the world our true colors. Unfortunately, the suspensions … they are just the beginning. And as for the Jonathan Vilma’s, so-called, plan, Goodell has no jurisdiction. He’ll take Gregg Williams and make him SQUEAL! I know the squealers when I see them, and… [points, accusingly at the TV broadcasting William’s face]”
Sean Payton: “What do you propose?”
Drew Brees: “It’s simple, we kill the Commissioner.”
The Saints might have Jonathan Vilma back this week, but I think the Bucs have turned a corner this season, and that means that the Saints and their poor defense is in trouble this week. Josh Freeman and the Bucs turn a corner and start their run this week.
Pick: Buccaneers
Packers @ Rams-
Jordy Nelson: “Have we started the fire?”
Aaron Rodgers: “Yes. The fire rises.”
The Packers silenced their critics last week, and they have an easier task this week. I think they handle the Rams easy and start their run to the playoffs. This one will be easy. The Rams are in a tough division and they don’t have it easy this year.
Pick: Packers
Redskins @ Giants-
Archie Manning: “You do not fear losing. You think this makes you strong. It makes you weak.”
Eli Manning: “Why?”
Archie: “How can you move faster than possible, fight longer than possible without the most powerful impulse of the football: the fear of losing
Eli: “I do not fear losing. I fear losing in the playoffs, losing to Tom Brady, and then there’s no one to stop him.”
Archie: “Then play the game.”
Eli: “How?”
Archie: “As Tom Brady does. Like every game is your last. Then the fear of losing will find you again.”
The Giants should everybody how good they could be last week, and they are going to show everyone how bad they can be this week. I called this one last week. So, let’s see if I’m right. RGIII has been out of this world, and he looks to have a great game here against a Giants team that probably won’t show up mentally or emotionally.
Pick: Redskins
Ravens @ Texans-
J.J. Watt: “Oh, you. You couldn’t go on without playing us, could you? This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. You truly are a star, aren’t you? You won’t demand more carries out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And I won’t kill you because you’re just too much fun. I think you and I are destined to do this forever.”
Ray Rice: “I’ll be the one with the MVP trophy.”
Watt: “Maybe we can share one. You know, they might have to double up, the rate I’m playing out of my mind.”
Rice: “This country will show you it’s full of good fans ready to believe in our team.”
Watt: “Until their spirit breaks completely. Until they get a look at the defense without Ray Lewis, minus all the heroic things he’s done. You didn’t think I’d risk losing the game this Sunday stopping you? No. You need an ace in the hole. Mine’s Arian Foster and the offense.
Rice: “What did he do?”
Watt: “Your white knight, he got hurt and your defense got brought down a level. You see, a losing streak, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push!”
The Ravens’ defense is in shambles. It might get ugly this week. The Texans are looking for revenge against after getting blown out last week. In this matchup of the two top teams in the AFC, I think the Texans win against a Ravens team that isn’t at full strength with Ray Lewis, Terrell Suggs, Ladarius Webb out.
Pick: Texans
Browns @ Colts-
Dwight Freeney: “You know that day you once told me about, when Indianapolis would no longer need Peyton? It’s coming.”
Reggie Wayne: “Dwight. You can’t ask me to wait for that.”
Dwight: “It’s happening now. Andrew Luck is that hero. He’s made half of the city forget about Peyton, and he did it with a good neck. Indy needs a hero with a neck.
I think the Colts bounce back this week, and I bet the Browns won’t win two games in a row this year. They are on the way down and the Colts are on the way up.
Pick: Colts
Jets @ Patriots-
Giselle: “Stay with me, Tom. Save yourself. You don’t owe these people any more. You’ve given them everything.”
Tom Brady: “Not everything. Not yet…”
You can question lots of stuff, but not Tom Brady’s desire. He wants to win every game, and wants nothing more than another Super Bowl. I think they handle a week Jets team this week.
Pick: Patriots
Jaguars @ Raiders-
Darren McFadden: “There’s a storm coming, Mr. Khan. You and your team better batten down the hatches, because when we hits, you’re all gonna wonder how you ever thought you could make it in this league and buy such a bad team and leave so little for your roster.”
Khan (Jaguars’ owner): “You sound like you’re looking forward to Sunday.”
Darren McFadden: “I’m adaptable.”
This one is going to get ugly. Two of the worst teams in the league, and two of the worst quarterbacks in this matchup. There’s no real winner in this game.
Pick: Raiders
Steelers @ Bengals-
Dick LeBeau: “We were in this together, and then you got old and hurt. Now Baltimore… rises. The feared Steeler defense has to come back.”
Troy Polamahu: “What if it doesn’t exist anymore?”
Dick LeBeau: “It must… It must…”
I don’t think the Steelers are going deep in this year’s playoffs, but this week they will win against a poor Bengals team. They just don’t look like the same Steelers, especially the defense. It’s too bad, but they had a great run.
Pick: Steelers
Lions @ Bears-
Mike Ditka: “You cannot lead the Bears unless you are prepared to do what is necessary to defeat the Packers, 49ers, and Giants .”
Jay Cutler: “And where will I be leading the Bears?”
Mike Ditka: “The Super Bowl. As Chicago’s quarterback you are ideally place to strike at the heart of the team.”
Jay Cutler: “How?”
Mike Ditka: “Chicago’s time has come. Like New Orleans and Indianapolis before it, the city has been a location of suffering and losing. It isn’t beyond saving and must not be allowed to die. This is the most important function of the Bears. It is one we’ve performed for decades. The Packers, 49ers, and Giants must be destroyed.”
The Bears look like a top team this year, and besides there ugly loss against the Packers on a short week, the Bears look like a legitimate contender. If they can get by the Packers, who aren’t a great team this year; the Giants, who are always inconsistent; and the 49ers, their offense can’t keep up with the Bears. So, what’s stopping the Bears. Step up, Cutler.
Pick: Bears