Monday morning And things are getting back to normalA lot of the visitors left yesterdaySome more are leaving todayAnd my auntie B is staying until next weekI was so wrecked yesterdayEmotionally and physicallyI feel asleep at about 5pmAnd slept until midnightWhen I woke upDragged myself down to bedAnd fell asleep for another 8 hoursThe whole thing just wiped me out The visitors The mealThe speechThe having to be sociable for three days straightIt really took it out of me
So back to Monday morningAnd doctor dayMy own doctor is on holidaysSo this morning I saw Nice woman doctorWho is always very niceI told her that things were good at the momentMy weight is healthyMy mood is stableAnd I generally feel quite goodShe did up both my scriptsAnd as she was doing my tabletsShe noticed that I've been on Mirtazapine on the highest dose for a long timeMirtazapine is one of the anti depressants that I'm onI told her that I was reluctant to change anything So we left it as it isShe asked me if I am sleeping okAt this pointI thought about complaining that I couldn't sleepTo see if I could get a few sleepersBut I am trying to be good as far as my meds are concernedSo I told her the truthThat I am sleeping fineProbably sleeping too much in fact
As she was speaking to meI eyeballed the weighing scales in the corner of the roomI was so tempted to ask if I could weight myself I haven't weighed in a few weeks nowAnd I am curious as to what weight I amI got my scales out this morning And my sister weighed herselfShe is ten stone eightI think she looks really slim abs petiteAnd I know I weigh less than herI am wearing a size 8- 10 (UK)And all my clothes fit me okAnd I feel okI was looking at photos of mums retirementAnd also the video of me making the speechI wouldn't call myself thin anymoreBut I can also see that I'm not overweightI look WellHealthy And the fact that I have a tan makes it easier to look at myselfI would love to be more toned thoughTo feel a bit fitter and tighterI am curvy now My boobs have never been so bigAnd I actually like themThey are a nice sizeI also have a waistHips And a bum you could eat your dinner offIt's an adjustment getting used to this bodyI am so used to being straight up and downWith no boobs, hips or bumI have to keep reminding myself that I am not 19 anymoreI am a soon to be 35 year old womanAnd I have the body of one
I think I coped surprisingly well over the last few daysUsually when we have visitors I have frequent and acute anxietyOver the weekend There were 12 people staying hereSo wherever I lookedThere were peopleI can remember a time when I couldn't handle peopleI remember a couple of years agoA lot of relations were staying hereI had to go to bed earlyAs I just couldn't copeBut nowDare I say itI am much more sociableMuch better able to deal with peopleAnd I don't get that agonising anxiety overwhelming meThe only time I became anxiousWas just before my speech I felt so nervous that I thought I wouldn't be able to do itThe only reason I did itWas for MumIt's the least I could do for herAnd now I feel really good that I did itIt's good for me to push outside of my comfort zoneAnd do things that scare meIt's a confidence builder for sure
Myself and my sister are just so delighted that the whole thing went wellWe really were the ones that organised itAnd we felt the pressure for everyone to have a good timeAnd I think they didSo all and all it was a roaring successGod knows our Mum deserved to be spoiled and pamperedShe is the kind of person who puts everything and everyone ahead of herselfI have no doubt that If it wasn't for herThat I would still be usingAnd may even be deadShe has dealt with so much over the yearHer separation from my dadMy addiction and EDAnd both my sisters addictionAnd mental health issuesMy Mum is nothing short of a saintShe is so strongA lesser person would have crumbled long agoBut she just keeps goingAnd is an eternal optimist My Mym always saysThat given what out family have been throughWe are not going to badlyI completely agreeGrowing upOur house was a miserable place to beMy father was drinkingMy parents fought endlesslyAnd there was a horrible atmosphere in the houseWe never wanted for anything materially But our well being was neglectedI remember my best friends that life two doors upThat family didn't have a pennyBut the house was such a lovely place to be So warm and friendlySo needless to sayI spent a lot of time there
I remember one morningMy father came down to the kitchen with a severe hangoverMy Mum gave him a cup of teaAnd he threw it in her faceFor absolutely no reasonHow cruel is that?Now my father doesn't drink nowIn fact none of us do apart from my brotherNow Years laterThings are so much more better than they wereOur respective addictions are under controlMum parents get on do much better than they did when they were together We all get on so much betterAnd that by friendsIs a freakin'revelation
TodayIs a day of restTo catch up on sleepMove back in to my roomAnd generally relax and recouperate Now I'm off to have a little napUntil next time....