This is a follow on post from the last one on how long you should care for those with an eating disorder. Ever since Sophie’s counselor asked me to be there to back up things at home when Sophie starts back at counseling I have been giving this serious thought. At first I just automatically said yes, but since then I have been revising my position. Mind you, Sophie has still yet to front for a session. After finding something better to do for last weeks session, today’s one got ditched because the time wasn’t suitable for her, will see if she actually makes next week’s appointment.
Most carers put their own life on hold, particularly if you are doing family based therapy, refeeding at home, or just coping with the all out full-time job of eliminating an eating disorder in the household. At some point you have to pick up the pieces of your life. Start remembering you need to find yourself again. It isn’t healthy for either carer or sufferer to have the close, dependent relationships that exists during high level care. Sufferers need to become owners of their own recovery.
Sophie is no longer a child, and reminds me of that constantly. She needs to have the same space and outlets that a normal 18yr old has, but with a foundation below her though for her high risk areas. It is tricky to balance her right to being independent with the need to keep her safe. However, she now needs to keep herself safe. Make choices and decisions based on what she has learnt about the eating disorder, herself and what she wants for her own future.
People ask how she is at the moment, my response is ‘great weight, roller coaster emotions and mental thinking, that she is irritable and moody’. One response back to me ‘then you must be moody and irritable too’ got me thinking. Yes I am. Sophie’s moods permiate the house, making life miserable for any one near her at times. I am tired of being her emotional punching bag. Her outlet for blame and not accepting responsibility. It is time we separated into a normal mother/daughter relationship and she learns to stand herself. I cannot keep being there and I need my life back.
This means that whatever she discusses with her counsellor, I will listen if she wants to talk. But not take responsibility for it and whatever consequence she chooses to use to deflect emotions. Each time pushing back (gently or strongly as need be). I won’t wear the emotional outfall at all. That gets pushed back. I won’t be her blame or take on the ED talk about I am not doing enough to help her. I have carried her for ages, gradually pulling back as she passed recovery milestones. Now it belongs to her. If she chooses not to eat dinner (like last night), it is her decision. She knows the correct response and now needs to listen to her own voice.
It means I start going out and not being available 24/7. No mother is, particularly those of almost adult teenagers. Every mother has a social life of some sort, plus hobbies, interests etc. I now claim mine back and have already started. This also brings back my confidence that I have lost for so long (well hopefully). I have to out grow the damage the eating disorder has done to me. ED’s never just affect the sufferer. Every one gets knocked down – bit like a bomb explosion as it pushes out. I am no longer a victim of the eating disorder either. It is time for Sophie to also see me as a separate person. She thinks she owns me totally, wanting to know everything I am up to and passing comments. Not healthy nor correct, she also has much of her father’s controlling nature. I don’t aim to suddenly be completely unavailable and not there. That wouldn’t be fair either. Another balancing act but one that moves forward into a normal ,balanced relationship with Sophie – whatever normal is for us.