I've been in a strange place the past couple of days
I can't really put words on how I feel
All I know is that on Thursday I was so hyper
So much so that my sister had to sit me down and try and get me to calm down
I just had so much nervous energy
And when I get nervous
I start to talk
And talk gibberish
We went to yoga Thursday morning
My sister and I were the only ones there
The instructor was talking to us
And I was anxious so of course I started babbling about how I live in a really scenic area
And I live in between two mountains
She must have thought that I was stone mad
And I probably am
I was supposed to meet a friend from treatment this week
I cancelled on her three, yes three times
I can't even tell you why I cancelled
It wasn't because I have gained weight
I know my friend sees beyond that
It wasn't because we were meeting for lunch and I didn't want to eat in front of her
It was because I didn't want to leave the comfortable bubble of my house
I wanted to stay at home and drift in and out of sleep
And not have to deal with real life
I have started giving my meds to my mother again
As I was misusing them again
My methadone has been reduced to 20mls now
Which is the lowest it's ever been
Although it would be great to be off the methadone completely
I am so afraid
I shit you not
I am afraid I won't be able to cope without it
I am afraid that I will get cravings for drugs
I am afraid that I will relapse
I'm afraid that my body is so used to methadone
That it won't know how to cope without it
I guess I will have another year before I am off it completely
And I have my other meds to rely on
But that is exactly the problem
I rely on them way too much
Really I am as addicted to them
As I was to heroin
Only this is a legal addiction
My sleep is another problem
I'm not letting myself get enough sleep at night
I stay up late
And get up really early
I can't get through the day without at least one nap
It's not healthy
I need to address this issue
Sometimes I wonder how well I really am
I look healthy
I give the appearance of being healthy
Most people I know have assumed that I have recovered from my ED
But have I really?
I got a text last night from a girl I was in treatment with
She asked me how I am getting on
And I told her I was a lot better
She admitted that she is struggling
Namely with purging
Then it hit me that I am still purging too
Every single day
Sometimes multiple times a day
That must mean that I am struggling too
Right?
Things have improved
They definitely have
But they were so very bad
That things now,m even though still rocky, seem a whole lot better
But I forget that I am still entrenched in my ED to an certain extent
I worry I am not moving forward
That I am stuck in this place
Somewhere between my ED and recovery
Isn't the point of recovery that you keep growing and moving forward
Not stand still
Treading water
Is this as good as it gets for me?
Is this as well as I can realistically hope to get?
What is the next step for me?
I know that I have a lot of work to do around food and eating
I know that I have to at least try and get the purging under control
It's easier to ignore these problems
To hide behind my healthy body
And smile
And say 'Yes, thank you, I am doing great!'
Is this an illusion?
Is my recovery a farce?
Am I an anorectic mind in a healthy body?
Am I fooling myself and every one else?
I'm so very confused
I want to get well
At least I want to want to get well
I miss Mary
She always helped me make sense of things
And right now I really need to make sense of things
I'm losing the will to live over here