I worked really hard this weekend not to let myself get down about what a wash March turned out to be. The peak of my insomnia and a depressive slump and subsequent requirement to take Seroquel, Ativan, and Remeron during a week and a half period this month (and miss work) not only gave me the worst plateau to date for my weight loss and restriction, but I also gained 4 pounds. I’m still going to weigh less than my March 1 weight, but it’s disappointing not to have lost more, nonetheless. I could feel myself getting so frustrated yesterday morning after I weighed in and the horrible self-harming talk was running rampant. I had to strong-arm that voice into shutting up so I could explain to myself that I don’t need to label it good or bad, I can observe what happened this month and move on. Every day is new.
I’m so thankful to Robert for instilling this concept of no-judgement in me in one of our first therapy sessions… It is truly empowering to realize that not everything you’ve done needs to be labeled, rather, we can just see it and maybe try to understand it, but we don’t need to find out if it’s good or bad. Just keep going.
So that’s what I’m doing. March is behind me, and I’m not passing judgement on my incremental weight loss, because at least it’s a loss. April marks the beginning of adding to my exercise schedule with twice a week personal training, a hip hop dance class, and possibly hip hop yoga. This in addition to hatha yoga and pilates, plus the warmer temperatures will allow me to take more walks outside, and I should have a nicely energized metabolism in 30 days time. I am almost out of the slump produced by the insomnia and drugs and eating 1600 calories a day (double what I have been eating) and am starting out this month strong and clean and pure.
The sleep maintenance insomnia is still a pervasive and ongoing issue. But I’m also trying to pass no judgement when I wake up in the middle of the night with no hope of falling back to sleep… anger and frustration only make me itchy. And bitchy.
I see Dr. Johnson on Wednesday, and I am so hopeful that he can help me really tackle my sleep issues and the question of the bipolar diagnosis. Optimally, I’d like him to at least agree to rule out physical issues that could be related to TBI before proceeding to a psychiatric diagnosis for my insomnia. And I’m going to work on becoming a better advocate for myself this month. Robert says that I am in control of having the providers I want on my treatment team, and I’m going to encourage myself to speak up and defend the way I feel and fight against what doesn’t feel right. Wish me luck.
Despite the insomnia, the weight issue, the drama of our every day stressful life, I am feeling hopeful, resilient, and moderately energized (for as sleep deprived as I am, moderate is good!). I think it’s the promise of warmer temperatures and the knowledge that I am in control of my future. I hope you all are well, I’m sending you the same happy thoughts. xoxo, g.