I have been trying my best to be
I almost had myself convinced that this is what I want
And it is
But it isn't, if that makes any sense
I have been telling my family that this is it
It's going to happen this time
I'm finally going to put my fuck-wittery and God for saken ED behind me once and for all
I've been talking about all the things that I am going to do differently
How recovery is going to be awesome and I'm going to be the best little recovering anorectic that ever was
Some lovely people commented on my blog that I am brave and strong
Although they are kind words I cringed as I read them
Because you know what?
The truth is I'm terrified
The truth is I haven't properly thought about what I will do after I set foot in that hospital
The truth is that I think I've been trying to convince myself aswell as everyone else that I'm going to recover
The truth is that I don't know what the hell I'm doing or where I am going
That I didn't bank on treatment happening so soon
I didn't think it would happen before Christmas
I thought I would have a couple of months to have one last big blow out
The truth is my ED is making plans for when I come home
That I will lose weight and manage my weight at a low but not critical level to keep the heat off me
How messed up is that?
I'm already planning to lose the weight that I have not yet gained
I know that it's my ED and not me
It's just so sneaky
So sinister
I can't distinguish my own thoughts from my ED
It's like she realises her position of power is now in jeopardy and she is trying to lure me back in
Trying to sabotage me before I even have a chance of recovery
I guess these feeling are normal
I remember when quitting drugs I wasn't sure it was what I wanted but I was willing to give it a shot
And it worked out for the most part
I wouldn't hold on to my ED so tightly if there weren't some benefits
And there are but they are few and far between these days
The purging is so so bad
I've never felt so out of control
And this thing only get worse although how it could get any worse I do not know
I saw my doctor this morning
Because I am feeling all these shitty feelings I decided to test the waters to see if he would up my meds
Just to get a little relief
That right there is classic addict behaviour
I explained that my anxiety is through the rough and I'm not sleeping
This is partly true
He said that if things didn't improve he would increase them next week
So you can bet your bottom dollar that no matter how I get on this week I will telling him the same thing I did today
Or maybe I won't
I don't know
I know that this is just me panicking at the thought of all my escape methods being taken away from me
To my surprise he brought up the subject of reducing my methadone
I said it wasn't a good time
'Next week then' he said
'No comment' I replied
I have stopped weighing completely and in my head I have gained the weight of a baby elephant
I can't bring myself to weigh
It's just too anxiety provoking
So instead I did the next best thing
I tried on my smallest pair of trousers to see if they still fit
They did
I felt better
Despite the way I am feeling I will plow ahead
I will attend the assessment on Wednesday
I will go in when a get a date
But beyond that I just don't know
Please tell me it's normal to feel this way
Please tell I am not crazy
If anyone has been through this please do let me know how it was for you
I need to hear that what I am feeling is ok
That I am not a bad person for feeling so confused
That this is all part of a greater plan
After the doctor I cleared my head with a walk on beautiful Bundoran beach with my 2 best girls
I seem to only post photos of me with my dogs
I do have friends, I promise you
Well 2 friends, he he
But for a drug addict with a raging ED that's pretty good going
Anyway, over to you.............
My new weighing scale!