I've had some quite nasty comments on my blog recently Anonymously of courseHere is an example of one that was written in response to my post about my teeth
You messed it up. You should pay for it. Your parents don't look rich. But you junkies think you are better than other people right? Destined for greatness? Start with paying your bills. How great would that be? First of all Anonymous says that my parents don't look richWhen have you ever seen my parents Or any of my family for that matterYou say I should pay my own billsWell in fact I do pay my own bills I pay for my carMy phoneI contribute to the weekly food shop And to utilitiesI don't have a lot of money coming inSo I do what I canThis was a big part of the reason I gave up smokingSo I could contribute more to the running of the houseMy teeth are a huge expense And yes My family are helping me pay for themI wouldn't be able to get them done otherwiseMy teeth were in a sorry stateAnd I felt so self conscious because of themIt really effected my confidenceIt was a huge decision to get them doneAnd I had to work out with my family how we would pay for themFinally getting them done is a massive deal for meI can now smile without covering my mouthI can feel confident in the fact that my teeth look goodIn my opinion That is priceless
I don't mind getting comments like thisIt upsets me a bit But I don't let it get to meI knew when I started writing my blogThat all the feedback wouldn't be positiveI knew that some people would take issue with me and my lifeI'm a big girlI can handle the odd negative commentBut what does bother meIs the fact that these commenters never comment under their own nameIt's always done anonymouslyIt's very easy to hide behind a computer screenAnd be nastyIt's very easy to judge others And comment on the way they live their livesIf you are going to commentAt least have the courage of your convictionsAnd write under your real name
I know that I have alienated a lot of people after recent eventsI have lost a friendAnd it looks like I am losing another oneThese are friendships that I held dearGirls I really cared aboutAnd I am hating myself and the fact that I hurt them through my own stupidityI know that people get annoyed, frustrated and angry at the things I choose to doHeck I drive myself bananas with the choices I make So I can understand why people feel the need to lash out I've made more than a few mistakes in my timeAnd hurt many people in the processI feel incredibly guilty over thisMy worst fear is that I am a bad and selfish person That I care for no one but myselfI desperately want to do the right thing But it doesn't always turn out that wayI am blessed to have the most amazing familyWho have stood by me even when I didn't deserve themI probably take them for granted sometimesIn theory I have everything I need to have a good lifeI want for nothingAnd I crave oblivionI crave numbnessI crave escapeTo get out of my own headMy own inner criticAnd the 'committee' in my headThat plays a constant stream of negative comments all day every daySo I drinkAnd I use And starve And binge And purgeAnything to take me away from myself
There is one part of the day that I love It's those few minutes when I get in to bedAnd lie down I read a few pages of my bookThen I close my eyes And allow sleep to envelop meFor those few minutesJust before I head to the land of nodI feel freeMy head is clearMy body is exhaustedIt's a feeling of pure blissI look forward to those few minutes every dayI also love if I wake up in the middle of the nightUsually I get upMake a cup of tea And read a few pages of my bookAnd again I drift off to a place that is warm and cosy and safeIt's an amazing feeling
I think the meetings are really helping meI get so much identification with other addictsIt's great to know that there are others like mePeople who get it And understand At the meeting the other dayIt was my job to read out the daily readingIt was about how you can start your day over as many times as you need to100 times of need beThis really struck a chord with meSo often something will go wrong with my day and I immediately say Fuck it and write off the whole day or the whole weekYo know that I can start my day over at any time is a revelation
I think this post has been a bit disjointed and all over the placeI hope it meant some kind of senseThanks for reading x