Apologies for my radio silence over the weekendA combination of no WifiAnd writers blockMeant I didn't get to write all weekendBut I'm back now So all is well
I wanted to write about something that's been coming up for me recently about my blogWhen I started writing three years agoI didn't tell anyone in my real life about itOr if I didI didn't give them the name of my blogThe purpose of my blog was to write about my ED and my addictionWithout fear of anyone I knew reading itAnd that was great for a whileBut graduallyOver timeI told more and more people about my blogAnd now many people in my real life read my blogRecently this has effected the way that I writeI find myself editing and censoring my blogSo certain people don't get hurt or disappointed or worriedThis has been a huge factor especially in the last monthThere have been times when I wanted to sit down at my computerAnd just pour my heart outBut I feel I can'tBecause I am worried about who will read it
And I knowI guess I shouldn't tell people about my blogIf I want to stay somewhat anonymousLast week A woman who works with my mother stumbled upon my blogAnd I know other peor who have stumbled across my blogI know that if you type certain words in to GoogleMy blog comes up in the first pageIt's a. It disconcerting to know that my blog is so easily accessedBut I guess that's what I signed up for right?
I got a text over the weekend From a girl that I was in treatment with the first timeBack in 2008We became firm friends fastBoth around the same ageBoth had dual addictionsWe had a lot in commonI remember spending so much with herWatching DVDs Walking laps of the groundsDoing each other's hairYou get so close to people in treatmentI hadn't heard from her in years thoughSo it was a lovely surpriseShe is back in treatmentHaving relapsedShe asked me how I was doingI was able to be really honest with her More honest than I have been in a long timeIt was such a reliefI guess I felt I could be open because there is some distance between usI felt like I couldn't worry or disappoint getLike I'm worried about with most other people
I guess in a round about wayI am trying to tell you all somethingBut I don't know if I canI don't know if it's safeOnce something is put out thereYou can't take it backAnd that's what I'm worried aboutI was planning on telling you all todayBut now that it comes down to itI don't know if I can do it
ApologiesI know I am talking in riddles todayIt's hard to explainYou know when you are faced with something or someone And you know this situation is dangerousAnd no good can come of itYou have this feeling in the pit of your stomachThat tells you to turn around and walk awayRunIt's like a gut instinct Even as you walk in to the situation You know it's a bad ideaBut you're just hoping that the gut feeling you have is wrongPraying the situation will work outI know I should get out nowBefore anyone gets hurtAnd the person who will get hurt the most is meBit I've always been someone who walks in to danger despite the signsAnd despite the warnings
I had planned to speak to my doctor about it todayAs he is just far enough away from me to give an objective opinionBut when I found myself sitting across from him this morningI just couldn't find the words
I be asked a couple of people in my family to not read my blog this weekAs I need some spaceSo maybe someday soon I will find the courage to tell you about what I am talking aboutIn the mean time Please bear with meI will get there eventually