Day 6 without a scale
It has been both a blessing and a curse
A blessing because when I don't know the number, it can't effect my mood and can't either make or break my whole day
And a curse because not knowing is driving me bananas
There was a scale in the pharmacy that I was in yesterday but it was just too public a place to do something that I consider to be quite intimate
I feel bigger
I feel like I am taking up more space
I don't like it
I will really have to prepare myself for the worst when I weigh myself at home on Sunday
I've taken a lot of photos here and I put some of myself up on my last post
The minute I had it posted I regretted it
In my eyes I don't look like someone with an ED
I'm not particularly thin
I'm normal
Average
Healthy looking
I feel like a fraud
An anorexic imposter
A wannabe
It makes me want to lose more weight
Almost to prove that I have an illness
You know the way some people look really skinny but weigh quite a lot?
Well I think that I'm the opposite
My weight is on the low side but I actually look a lot bigger
I swear I am so sick of talking, writing, thinking about my weight
I am starting to bore myself
And I'm sure my poor mother is sick to death of me asking her if I've gained weight
I hate being so self obsessed
So bloody self absorbed
I should really get a hobby and start obsessing over something that is at least interesting
I am over this ED
I've been there
Done that
Bought the extra small t-shirt
Why can't I just let it go
This love affair I've had with anorexia/bulimia is way past it's sell by date
It went sour a long long time ago
I'm trying to let her go but she is clinging on for dear life (or death)
Being away this week has reminded me that there is a whole world out there
That the world does not revolve around me and my ED
I am not that important
I am not that special
I am but a tiny speck in this vast universe
I have laughed a lot this week and that felt good
I've gone for years at a time without laughing and it's easy to forget how good it feels
I think once you start to feel a little better, you realize how miserable you really were
I don't really have a life to speak of
I have cocooned myself and cut myself off
Living like a virtual recluse
It's time to take a leap of faith
To smash the glass box that I am living in
Break free of anorexia and bulimia
I don't have the luxury of time any more
I'm not 19 any more
Technically I am a woman but even saying that feels completely foreign to me
I cringe at the thought
I am still a little girl that never grew up
Never blossomed
It 's time
Time to take a chance on life
What have I got to lose?
There is nothing more this illness can take from me apart from my life
But I would rather die young than live the rest of my days like this
The thought is unbearable
This relationship with my ED is one of love and hate
I can't live with it and I can't live without it
It's like being in an abusive relationship
Like an abuser anorexia/bulimia grooms us and lures us in with false promises of happiness
We believe her and willingly follow her
She sounds so kind and sincere
Like she she really wants to help us
At first she is sweet as can be
She promises us that if we follow her rules we will be thin and pretty and popular
Who can pass up an offer like that?
But once we begin to trust her and once we are captive, she shows her true colours and how evil she really is
A sweet whispering voice now gives way to a mean and nasty one
She doesn't ask anymore, she demands
She shouts insults at us all say long
We are never good enough
And also like in a abusive relationship, it is next to impossible to get out
Even though we are miserable we go back to her time and time again
Because we believe that the next time will be different
Because it is familiar
Because we know no other way
I am trying to break free of this thing but it is harder than I ever thought
But every time I do the right thing and disobey anorexia, she gets a little bit weaker
I believe that I will never be completely free from her
Much like drugs you can manage the problem but there is no cure
Anyway, I digress
Here's some more snaps of Achill
Anyone for tennis?
Add caption
Happy Birthday Oisin!
Traffic jam in Achill