I was pretty excited for my second date with Nate – after all, he had brought it to my attention that there was only a 25% chance we would make it here! We had spent quite a bit of time g-chating between our first date and when we met the other night. I learned a lot more about him – he had the ability to make me laugh while we sat across town at our own desks, has traveled Europe, is not a typical only-child, wants to make a difference in the world and, oh yeah, he doesn’t believe in God or religion. I figured this last fact out when he asked me what my favorite food was.
“I love sushi” I told him.
“But you can’t eat shellfish” he questioned.
“True. But I can still eat a bunch of different types of sushi. Wait, how do you know that?” I asked.
“You wrote on your profile that you eat mostly Kosher.”
He was right. I did write that. And it is true. So why was I embarrassed? I kept my ground and explained the truth – that I am observant and keep kosher in my own way because I want to. It works for me and I enjoy it. I believe in God and that everything happens for a reason and none of this could change because of Nate or any guy .
Now, as a disclaimer, I should offer that I have had two serious boyfriends who were observant and two who were not and let me tell you – it is much easier to be with someone whose beliefs and practices align with yours. It’s a wonderful thing to be with someone you can embrace and build up in every way, including religion.
“Ya, well it’s not that I don’t believe in religion as much as I just don’t like it. I think it’s a means of turning people against each other and doesn’t serve any purpose but that.”
Well, that was a mouthful if I ever heard one.
“Wait, I don’t want to have this conversation – not now,” I interrupted. “I liked you and want to keep this going and knowing you don’t believe in or like God will make that difficult for me. Religion is important to me and it’s important that I be with someone who it is important to as well. So, let’s just not talk about this. Okay?”
He agreed.
We made plans to meet at the sushi place of his choice in Union Square (sorry – I can’t remember the name!)
Since I was late to our first date, I ripped myself away from my desk in plenty of time to arrive at 7:00 PM sharp. And I did.
He was waiting outside for me and gave me one of those genuine hugs that makes your insides feel good – even if just for that moment.
We went inside and got a table (major points for making a reservation at a small no name sushi place where we probably didn’t need one, Nate – adorable). No sooner than we started looking at the menus did Nate start to (somewhat jokingly, somewhat seriously) point out all of things I can’t eat because I keep kosher. And here is where it came up – the reason we could never ever work. Not only does he not want, but he refuses to have two dishwashers. He doesn’t want to keep kosher, or go to temple, or have shabbos dinner. Essentially, for my purposes, he might as well be a non-Jew.
Since we had nothing to loose at this point, I suggested we just have “the talk.” He told me more about how he feels (or doesn’t feel) about religion and how he thinks it’s for people who are weak and need something to believe in. Trust me, the last thing I need is something else to believe in. In fact, I wish I could believe in a thing or two less – it would save me a ton of energy. I can’t calculate the amount of time I spend trying to pursue the things I do believe in – friendship, being a good sister and daughter, being a dependable and kind person, trying to believe there is good in everyone, true happiness, love, etc. He was wrong, at least about me and my reasons for believing in God.
Don’t get me wrong – I think everyone is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs and whatever they may be, if they work for you, no matter how different they are from mine, all the power to you. But Nate, someone who appeared just a few days ago to be charismatic, handsome and funny all of the sudden was exuding something resembling ignorance. I would never say that someone who chooses not to believe in God is weak or gullible so how could he be saying these things about me for choosing to believe?
We agreed that this couldn’t go anywhere and both lost our appetites. We had the waitress wrap up the entire meal and for the next two and half hours, we just shot the breeze as two strangers both looking to meet someone who will become everything but a stranger but knowing that someone was not sitting across the table. It was bizarre and surprisingly calming.
We talked about school, our travels through Europe, work, ambitions and dating. We were totally compatible. I loved everything he had to say, wanted to go everywhere he did, thought his determination to change people’s lives was beyond admirable and like he was someone I wanted to know. And I was going to give this all up for a second dishwasher? That’s right – I was and I am.
We all have our non-negotiables and I guess I’m realizing that someone who accepts me and embraces the fact that I have faith and choose to believe is moving higher up on my list of must-haves.
So here we are, back to square one. But, I should look on the bright side – one step closer.
XoXo,
MTS