Written by: Cathy Shuba
When I drank, it was your fault! When I drank, it was never my fault! When I drank, fault was another way for me to stay unaccountable, irresponsible and angry with lots of resentments tied to it. I was confused about fault.
The day I chose to become sober, get my life together and figure out that in order to fix me I needed to be willing to see me without denial, fear and abandonment. The day came when I faced my faults and it kept coming as long as I stayed sober and willing to be accountable for me. I saw fault differently.
Time went on and I eventually I got married and had children. This again, brought the test of fault back into my life when my son was born with Autism. I sometimes wondered if it was my fault because of how I abused my body with alcohol and drugs when I was younger. Of course, I never did this when I was pregnant but the thought of my past kept haunting me, pulling me and sometimes depressed me. I had to regroup my thoughts about fault once again in my life. I had to realize that fault was still there no matter what I was willing to do or say. I know that it is a word that takes me to that bad neighborhood in my head and can be either dilapidating to my spirit or choose to rise above it and know that those fault feelings I am experiencing can be very beneficial in my life and in my recovery. If I carry a positive rather negative, doom a gloom attitude about fault I will allow myself to make better choices, learn more about me and mostly avoid that stuck feeling that causes people to stop reaching out and getting more help. I was able to walk through that fault and get the proper help for my son. Fault taught me to choose between a negative or positive attitude.
Recently, fault came to me again and tested my thinking when my daughter was diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. I felt that fault only briefly but knew and felt differently about fault. During the years since I have been sober and in recovery I have learned so much about fault and guilt. They work hand-and-hand together in order to confuse the mind, wake the mind and sometimes force accountability in others when one is unable and unwilling to do so. There is a reason why we have the word fault in our vocabulary and feelings of it. What is the reason for the word fault? That is not up to me to decide or find reason for in someone’s life, only mine. In my life fault has played the part of shame, guilt and sometimes anger with resentments. Have you felt the same way about Fault? Today, I know whenever I am feeling fault I must ask myself if I have control over it. If I have no control over fault, then it is not my fault. For instance, with my son and daughters’ diagnoses, I had no control over those things, I have learned that it is, God’s will and not mine. On the other hand, it would become my entire fault if I did not seek help, felt sorry for myself, made it about me, did not seek guidance or medical attention to my children after learning of their diagnoses. When my fault needs to be addressed is when my character defects caused pain, hurt, sorrow, disappointment, anger and the list could go on to others then indeed it is my entire fault and I need to be accountable for it. That is when fault becomes my teacher and I must be willing to learn from my mistakes in order to live a good life and mostly honest recovery. Fault has become my teacher in my life!
Today, it is normal to feel fault in order to better in my life as long as I know the difference between the negative and positive faults I am experiencing. Fault only becomes my entire fault if I do not do something about it in my life and with others. Fault can transform my life as long as I carry a positive attitude tied with it.
I will take a long walk today and remember all the times I beat myself up about my not so acceptable behaviors I shared with others and know I changed my life today and no longer feel fault the way I once did when I first became sober. My faults are no longer jailing to me but freeing!